Struggling with my life

Growing up in the shadow of narcissism and toxicity has left scars that run deeper than I ever imagined. My parents, entangled in their own worlds, treated me not as a child to nurture, but as a debt I somehow owed them for my very existence. Their words and actions were laced with manipulation, making me feel like an unwelcome burden from the start.

It wasn't until my late teens that the full truth unraveled—a revelation that shattered any illusions I had left. I learned, through an unintended slip in a casual conversation with my sister-in-law, that my mother had desperately tried to end her pregnancy with me. She sought medical advice and endured 14 injections in an attempt to abort, but it was too late. I survived, becoming an unintended reminder of what they saw as their greatest mistake—a living echo they could never silence. She framed it as her suffering during my birth, perhaps not realizing the weight it would carry for me. In that moment, I understood why care and empathy felt so foreign in our home: no one paused to consider the child at the center of it all.

Friendships eluded me, too. In my early years, I craved validation like air, chasing approval from anyone who might offer it. But it never came. We weren't well-off, and I lacked even the basics—decent clothes, a watch, simple supplies that others took for granted. Despite my talents, which helped me earn a spot in a good high school, I was invisible at best, a target at worst. Bullied relentlessly, called poor, even physically assaulted, I faced it alone. When I confided in my parents, hoping for protection, they laughed it off or, worse, turned their anger on me with harsh words and blows. That isolation carved a silence into my soul.

By my late teens, awareness dawned like a painful sunrise. I discovered I had ADHD, which explained the chaos in my mind but offered no easy fixes. I stopped seeking validation from a world that withheld it, retreating into a profound quietude. Now, at 21, the battles are mostly internal—mental storms that drain me more than any physical toil. The weight of unhealed wounds, unspoken resentments, and a life built on shaky foundations presses down relentlessly.

I believe I deserve better in life. There’s a lot of fog in my brain, and I’m struggling to navigate. If you have any suggestions, I’d be glad to hear them.