Three long years of dealing with this taking its toll

Howdy, it's certainly been awhile since I've needed to go on here again. I first went on this place back around 2021 or so, when my anxiety issues got to a point where I looked into mental health resources provided by my school after I was essentially dropped by the school counselor I was talking to to back in 2020.

My panic disorder (Assuming that's very much what it is, as I get panic attacks and high bouts of anxiety regularly plus my ER diagnosis) started back in late 2019 or so during a movie I was watching with my girlfriend. I remember even once going to the ER during school once back when I still had my insurance and getting shamed by my narcissistic mother and my older brother for my issues which made me very reluctant to talk about them back then.

It's a very painful, very horrible uphill battle. On one hand, I've forced myself to do extremely scary things I used to be afraid of such as going on flights to visit my girlfriend, jumping straight into a very deep lake despite not being experienced very much with swimming in deep water, and going out into public places I hadn't been to in awhile. However on the other hand, I've become somewhat of a hermit lately, refusing to leave my house unless there's a good reason to (Besides, my neighborhood isn't the safest anyways) and a particularly bad panic attack at my school a few months back has severely crippled me back to the basic fight-or-flight-over-stupid-state I was stuck in before that and I'm finding it hard to escape.

If you're REALLY curious to know: I have two types of anxiety right now. The first has been some bad episodes of hypochondria (I'm a childhood cancer survivor) here and there I get over the physical sensations. The second is this... Strange fixation on the idea of falling. Falling to my death. The world falling suddenly beneath me. The world falling and me not knowing it. I don't know, I just feel like suddenly I won't trust the ground and thinking too hard about it at that moment will give me an adrenaline jolt to anticipate the fall I psych myself up for in my mind. I consciously know I'm NOT falling... But it feels like my body is preparing for such an event anyways and it makes me super antsy. The second one is the worst of the two, and it will seriously affect me if I'm in high places like buildings, or anywhere like that. Even seeing videos of people high up will make my body crawl a little, instinctively. I hate the idea of falling so bad it's caused sleep panic attacks due to bad dreams I get about it.

After spending so much time and so much effort trying to truly challenge myself, and expose myself to the worst of my anxieties, it feels like this battle has gone absolutely nowhere. I feel like everyone I know has abandoned me, and I feel like I'm all alone in my struggle to just function as a human being. It's hurt my self esteem in such a horrible way, because I'm now at an age where I need to be independent and this condition is keeping me very much dependent and glued to the ground. And because of this, I honestly don't know if I have a foreseeable future anymore.

Due to my history, I'm known as one of the most inspiring and optimistic people anybody knows, always smiling in the face of hardship. But it feels like somewhere along the way, thanks to this bullshit, I lost that. In fact, I'm very lost as a person at this point in my life, and I have no clue where I'm going anymore. I want to be normal again, like everybody else, but it never comes. Just feels like I'll always suffer alone.