long-term overthinker
Hi, I have just joined here and I was looking to connect with other overthinkers out there. I have found myself in cyclical negative thought cycles for many years. The thoughts can be based around many things but all come back to the feeling of not being good enough, of having failed myself and others. The most recent one was based around a friend rejecting me; a friend I believed valued me and I thought I was being a good support and help to. I really felt I'd given my best to this friend and so when that wasn't good enough - well that was difficult to cope with mentally and emotionally. My ongoing sense of failure for many years has been connected to my daughter who has autism, social and generalised anxiety and barely leaves the house. As a mum, I feel I have failed her and feel I should be able to make her feel better. I constantly relive my perceived failures - the above and many more - and that makes me feel even worse. There are various coping strategies out there for overthinking - I was just wondering what others have tried and how have you found them? Personally, I think the solution goes deeper than these strategies facilitate and that's what I am looking at now, to find what it is I am really missing underneath all the drama. I guess I just wondered how other overthinkers feel about this and what you may have found on your own journeys? Thanks for listening.
@DebsD
I relate a lot to feeling not good enough, of having failed myself and others. I'm sorry to hear how that is affecting your view of yourself as a mum. I too frequently got stuck in negative thought patterns that just seemed to go round and round.
But I reject the term "overthinking". Partly because it is a physical impossibility. But also because the implication is that it is a fault. And so it leads people to try to stop doing it. Thinking is the brain trying to solve a problem. It's trying to help. Why would anyone want to stop that?
I believe that the reason our thoughts get stuck and we end up thinking the same thoughts over and over, is because we believe that they are wrong in some way. For example, I believed it was wrong to feel angry, so I blocked any thought about being angry. But that meant my brain couldn't resolve the anger, so it kept bringing me back to the same point. Being honest with myself and believing in mysrlf, my thoughts and feelings, is what frees me from the anxious thinking.
So I think you are right, to change these thought patterns, there's a need to get to the heart of why we doubt ourselves.
Often, just blocking the thoughts, pretending everything is OK and getting on with life seems much easier. But I'm not sure it brings real peace.
I read somewhere that we should accept that childhood is traumatic. It involves a lot of change. And so we should stop viewing the role of parents to give children a happy childhood, because that is impossible, but to help children to identify and process their trauma. In that view, you have not failed your child, there is just more work to be done.
Most likely the failure is in a culture that does not help parents identify and process their own trauma, so that they are in a position to help their children. I believe we can all help to break that chain.
Best wishes.
@Clio9876
thank you for your reply. I agree that solutions need to be sought and if the thought process is to reflect and learn for the future then that is always a good thing. But when the thinking is more concerned with guilt about the past and worry about the future that's where the problem really lies and that's the thoughts that I need to stop. For me, I think it stems around a fear of rejection and low self-worth, meaning the need for external validation is high. I know that personally I often am too worried about how others think or feel about me and too involved in their worries.
I do totally agree about letting feelings out - that is paramount; blocking is no good at all. I believe you should breathe through the feelings of anger and hurt and then try and show compassion for yourself and whoever else you may be judging, to try and understand where those feelings may be coming from, what wounds are underneath. That's the first step to healing. This is the approach I am taking at the moment.