why do i have to care so much about what people think?
I am constantly catering my behavior to other people. I am trying to make sure that no one can ever say anything bad about me, or have a bad thought about me. I know this is impossible.
People can dislike you for no reason, and that's okay. But I cant' stop myself from constantly worrying about how i come off to other people. How do i look? Did that joke land? Did i say something weird? Do i seem knowledgeable? Am I boring? Am I annoying? Do I have the wrong opinion about this thing? How much do I share with this person? Did i convey my feelings appropriately? Could what i said be misinterpreted into something bad/inaccurate? Did they understand what I said the way i meant it?
All of those questions constantly. it's exhausting. and i can't stop. I need people to like me. My job depends on it, my social life depends on it. I don't have good relationships with my family. Friends come and go, and it feels like i can never count on anyone to stay for good.
strangers could end up causing problems for me later. people love to gossip. etc etc.
I feel very codependent, and i have abandonment issues. I'm stressed all the time, even if I don't notice it right away. I need people in my general friend group to agree with me about whether people can be forgiven or not.
I'm so damn tired all the time because of this.
@affableStrings4654
what would happen if you said the wrong thing or you did not make some grand gesture????
.... people wont even notice.
I was you for many years trying to contort myself to fit and it did not help me at all once i dropped the pretense and give your real opinion say NO sometimes to requests .... i know when i was only a people pleaser they loved to lay requests or off load junk to me.....
Real friends and connections ..do NOT care about you always saying the right thing or being On all the time they will celebrate your mistakes and your perspective not that you just agree.....
Someday you will find the ability to let go IMO far too many find out too late to enjoy the freedom of being their authentic selves
@toughTiger6481
I feel like i would really love the chance to fuck up and make mistakes and not have it be a bad thing.
I think a lot of people take up too much space in my head and there often isn't enough room to say "well, am I happy in this scenario?" I think I used to put myself first (needs, not wants) and i got severely shamed for it and called selfish a lot. Maybe I was. Maybe i wasn't. I can't really tell.
But I've been very careful about how i'm percieved, even though that's not really something i have control over.
@affableStrings4654
you are the landlord of your head space ..... period..... if people are taking up space in your head evict them ....... My experience and guess is that your assumptions about how they feel are not always spot on
those who shame others for putting themselves first ......often have other objectives ......... they KNOW it will make you conform and fall into what THEY want ..... what is more selfish then that to manipulate others for their benefit. there is a BIG difference being selfish all the time and having a sense of self and not letting that always be LAST.
@toughTiger6481
yeah, that's why it's been so hard to say no. But I gotta do it sometimes, for sure.
you gotta put your own oxygen mask on first. And just because someone wants something from you, that doesn't mean you owe it to them. It's so hard to stop that impulse though.
A work in progress for sure!
@affableStrings4654 I came here to say I absolutely relate to this. I feel the same way.
@helpfulPineapple5473
It's rough! And exhausting.