Shy Bladder / Pee Shy / Paruresis

If this helps just one person... well, besides me!

You might try: https://paruresis.org/ choose Shy Bladder Center, Success Stories to begin to understand what this problem is really like. Its like an addiction; one is never cured, only recovering.

Ive only begun writing all this as part of a journal I began about two weeks ago. I am much, much better than I used to be. Exposure therapy has improved my life. BTW, Im 61 yo.

Heres my story:

Everybody on rare occasions has probably experienced a simple failure to urinate due to some external influence or perhaps being angry or scared about something. But with paruresis, EVERY single urination is a failure, a mini panic attack. So, one develops coping behaviors since ones bladder must be voided several times a day.

For me, it started around age of 5; seems like after we moved to Florida. I was an only child. I vaguely remember getting yelled at by my dad in a filthy gas station restroom (I think during some vacation trip) for not going fast enough. I think I was just totally grossed out and couldnt function. And, he never had any patience. I think it started then.

I also remember playing on a swingset directly across the street from my house. I think I or a little friend (or both) took out his (our) penis(es) and peed right there. My mom saw this from the kitchen window and came across the street yelling at me to never do that again.

I think my parents inadvertently trained me to be afraid to pee anywhere but the bathroom at home.

During that same first year in Florida (ages 5 and 6) I somehow developed the habit of never standing to pee even in private in the bathroom at home. Not sure what happened to cause that.

As a kid through school, I just held it ‘til I got home. During elementary school from about 7:30 in the morning until getting home after 2 – 2:30 in the afternoon, I just held it.

Some days it was unbearable; I bore it regardless. Only had two accidents in elementary school, but, both of those were diarrhea (1st grade and 3rd or 4th grade). Never peed my pants.

All the boys restrooms in the elementary school that I went to in Pinellas County, Florida, had no doors on any of the toilet stalls. Any time a boy needed to poop, a crowd would gather and laugh and tease. So, using a private stall to pee at school was impossible, since there was no such thing as a private stall! The girls bathrooms, of course, had doors on the stalls. I used to hate the girls in secret because of that. Also, we werent allowed to go to the bathroom except at recess or before or after lunch. Unless a teacher told me to go in the restroom, I never would except to wash my hands. Id just lie and say I dont have to go now.

I dont really remember, but I think I probably tried to tell my mom once or twice in those early days, but, as a little kid, I didnt have the communication skills to be able to explain what I was feeling. I had to live and learn entirely on my own. There was no one to talk to about this. By the time I was in second grade, I was sure I wouldnt dare tell anyone that I couldnt use a restroom with anyone else in there, or even anybody knowing that I was in there. I was sure I was the only person in the world who had this problem. I would try to observe if other people behaved like me, but, I never could tell. Its not like I could just ask somebody. I was terrified of ridicule which is what I was sure would be the response to any questions.

never peed (or used for anything other than hand washing) in a school bathroom for 11 years.

Senior year of high school, I found a bathroom off the bandroom that I could use alone during second semester study hall. Unless somebody else was in there...

Not being able to pee controls ones entire life, hour by hour, almost minute by minute.