Have I done something? Anxiety Fears

I am the cause of all bad moods. Fact. If someone is snappy, avoidant or generally ‘off, its my fault. At least, thats what my anxiety tells me. Shes a bitch like that.

Back when I worked in retail I became a connoisseur of both facial expressions and tone of voice. It was an obsession, one I couldnt help but feed. Scanning people for signs of disapproval was just part of the daily grind. Did people think I was stupid, boring or worst of all… weird? (This being worst because I am bloody weird)! I cant have people figuring that out.

If my manager was short with me, Id automatically think Id done something terrible… and boy then the floodgates really opened. She hates you, everybody hates you. Youre going to get fired. By the end of that day Id drafted my leaving speech. Better to be prepared.

LOTS of therapy and personal development later, I no longer think this way 24/7. NOT because of that golden piece of advice people usually offer up they have better things to do then focus on you. Literally the most INFURIATING thing you can say to someone with anxiety… Rationally speaking, yes, we know that were not the center of the universe. However, this doesnt stop the negative thoughts from circulating.

The CBT Explanation

In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy terms, this behaviour is called ‘personalising, – You assume responsibility for a negative event when there is no basis for doing so. You arbitrarily conclude that what happened was your fault or reflects your inadequacy.

Personalising still trips me up on occasion, particularly with friends. If I havent heard back from them on WhatsApp for example… even when I know theyve seen my messages… Thank you very much double blue tick!

My mind immediately goes over our last interaction. Did I say something offensive? Was I rude? Should I send them an apology just in case?

Top Tips

When I get caught in this negative thought cycle I deploy a few tried and tested techniques.

Rationalise it on paper. Bit of an effort, but it works. I adapted a CBT exercise:

Write down some of the negative thoughts that youre experiencing. E.g. She hasnt replied because shes angry with me. Im worried shell never speak to me again. – Its good to get all that crazy out!

List any emotions that youre experiencing. E.g. Worry, fear, frustration.

Then write this sentence in capital letters – AM I PERSONALISING THIS?

Do you have any valid evidence to support your negative thought? To be clear, valid evidence CANT just be a thought. Neither can dirty looks, or Instagram posts that havent been liked by said person. It has to be something in writing or a confession from the person. (I didnt think so).

Think of other possible explanations & list them – e.g. Maybe shes seen the message and got distracted. Maybe shes tired. Maybe shes on her period and just wants to be left alone! Maybe shes just in a bad mood. (Once you get going youll see there are lots of things).

Distraction – The worst thing you can do is allow yourself to think about it non stop. As tempting as this is, it wont help. So dont torture yourself. Instead engage your brain in another activity. Games are good for this, both video and paper. Read a book, watch something on TV… anything so long as you have to concentrate.

Resist the urge to ask – By this I mean… ask the person in question if youve done something wrong. (Weve all done it). Can I just check that I havent upset you in any way? We think itll bring us comfort, but after the initial reassurance, we feel vulnerable and needy. Also, if we do this continually it marks us out as a punching bag. Someone who will take the blame.

Instead, you can try doing the CBT exercise above and try focusing on something else.

Finally, try and remember this.. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. Dont let anxiety convince you otherwise. Negative thoughts are natural, but obsessive ones make us miserable. So be proactive and take action.

Jem 💜 (forum supporter)