Afraid to work..and everything else
I just download this, hopefully I’m doing this right. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 2, being unsettled on the inside is nothing new to me. I have a lot of childhood trauma and have been working to leave that behind me, stop picking my wounds and move forward. In that way, I feel I am making progress. It’s the future that is terrifying to me. I opened my own business in 2020, I’m doing very well! I have had very few issues, all happy clients. My job terrifies me. I’m a cosmetic tattoo artist. I try to tell myself everyone’s so happy with my work, no complaints, and I am sick with fear. I’m afraid to mess someone up. I’m afraid to fail. I work alone, I’m lonely. I have signed up for a monthly subscription for trainings to help build my skill set, and an in person training coming up. I tell myself I can only control what I can control. It seems I’m doing the right things. But then I see my schedule and clients names listed to be seen tomorrow and I would rather crawl into a ball. I have an amazing opportunity to make money, it’s all in my lap, and I am like… god I would rather be bagging groceries again, at least it didn’t scare me. It was annoying, and I was genuinely living in poverty, but I wasn’t sick over it. I get so worked up before an appointment I’m shaking, needless to say you can’t tattoo people while trembling. The imposter syndrome is real. Then, I begin to be afraid something is going to happen to me medically, and my hands won’t work… and then I just spiral from there. Getting very existential, afraid of life. The p*ndemic has only increased my agoraphobia. I have my boyfriend who lately I have been feeling anxious attachment to, that he’s all I have and he helps me to feel safe and secure but what if something happens to him. I’m a mess. I can only seem to feel comfortable at home, doing nothing, because I am just terrified to function. Even going for a walk together I can get triggered because I’m afraid we are lost and I ruin the whole mood. I’m blessed he has stuck with me for five years. I have like, two family member and literally no friends. This fear is scaring me. If someone said, “you never have to work again and you’ll still be taken care of” I would never go back, and again, my job is great. I used to be really skilled, but now I feel like I suck at my craft (which is why I’m increasing my trainings) and I have invest a lot in my business. I just want to run away from the responsibility of it, and each session takes so much out of my body and mind. I see other artists thriving, as one should with an opportunity in this industry, and I’m over here trying not to vomit, and get the courage to drive my car to the dog park so I can spend time with the little family I’ve tried to make for myself that I’m so afraid not to have some day. I can’t predict the future, I’m trying to control what I can, allow thoughts and feelings to pass through…but my heart is beating so fast I feel broken. If anyone has read this far, thank you.
@floraficus
Hello and welcome! Question for you - would you be less stressed if you just did cosmetic tattooing for another business rather than running the business yourself?
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Everything you said really resonates with me. I deal with severe anxiety as well and it really can be debilitating. The fear of failing, the fear of going outside, and being most comfortable at home doing nothing, I feel you on that. Where is universal basic income when you need it?
I worked in the graphic design industry and was constantly afraid to deal with clients due to social anxiety. I was scared that i couldn't meet their demands and everything I created wasn't good enough. Its stressful. Sometimes I think that art industries can be difficult for folks with anxiety because 'good' art is subjective, which gives you little to no baseline and leaves you with infinite space to second guess yourself. Possibly resulting in, as you said, imposter syndrome.
Im glad you have a partner and a doggy to support and love you. I definitely understand how that 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' feeling can be another source of fear. Hopefully you can confide in your partner if you are comfortable doing so.
I'm sure you are a good tattoo artist, if people like your work and want you to do their tattoos they must see some value in your skills. But I know sometimes its hard to see things from that angle. I think you are making a good choice by choosing to further hone your craft, even if you are already great, hopefully it will make you more confident in your skills.
Again im sorry anxiety is giving you a tough time. I know it can can be exhausting and stressful to deal with fear haunting every corner of your life. I definitely know the feeling. Please reach out to me if you ever want to talk. I'd be happy to listen.
