Anxiety around a family issue

It's November 15, 10:56am. I'm sitting in the kitchen at home, typing this. I am feeling anxious; I feel some sadness, maybe some regret. I can feel my throat and my chest getting tight as if I'm about to cry. I just got back from driving my 2 sisters and my mom to the airport for a trip to Hawaii.

I was supposed to go on this trip too. It's something they've been talking about (particularly my eldest sister) since last year. A family trip. I never felt particularly excited for it even though it's Hawaii, a place I've always wanted to visit, but I was just going with it because... well, it's family. Who am I to object to them.

Tickets were booked and confirmed early this year, maybe around April or March.

A few side notes/details that are important in understanding the part of the story I'm going to say next: I am a college student. And since a year ago, I started getting involved a lot in the theatre department in school. I've always wanted to act and finally a year ago, I went for it and did it. I'm still doing it, and I get joy out of it. I've been in 4 productions so far, but being in a production means long hours for rehearsals at night almost every day.

So that means for a majority of the past year now, I have barely been at home because I'd be in school for classes, in rehearsals, or at work. And I go to school about 35 minutes away, but with traffic it can take more than an hour. So a typical day for me consists of me leaving home at 7am and getting back home at almost midnight.

The production I am in this semester is a particularly important one for me. It's not a fictional story with perfect comedic timings about love triangles or about a dysfuntional family. My family and I are immigrants, and the play is about immigration. So to me if feels like it has more weight to it because the story is about real people; it's a verbatim piece of theatre that talks about a very important social and political issue that I care about. It's also very specific to my school; it was created by a professor of the theatre department, and the stories in the play are about stories of students in my school that she interviewed. Auditioning for this play and being a part of it looked like such a huge opportunity for me, so I thought, "Why would I let this pass?"

I started thinking about this play in June/July. But I knew, without a doubt, that the performance dates were going to be on the same days as our trip to Hawaii.

I didn't really talk to my sisters or my mom about it because I knew that they'd be upset. But the thought was in the back of my mind for months until August came and school started and September came and auditions were coming up.

I felt so much anxiety trying to decide if I'd rather miss a 4-day trip to Hawaii or miss an opportunity to be in a play telling a story that I feel needs to be told. An opportunity that I don't know will ever come again. This a brand new play, so who knows if it'll get produced again. But Hawaii... it will always be there.

My grades didn't really slip, but I was definitely always behind on studying or doing homework. I was constantly worried about what my family would say, and I was down all the time. I was in constant internal conflict.

And in September, I told them I wasn't going. My eldest sister in particular was very upset. I told her about the play and how I really wanted to do it, but it would mean not going to Hawaii. She said things about how we've been planning this for a year, how I'm never home anymore, how none of our schedules line up so we dont see each other or hang out, how to them it's as if I forget that I have a family, do I really think doing a theatre production is more important than spending time with them, and how she'll support me in my dreams of acting but that I need to think about my priorities. I cannot recall her exact words, but she basically told me to choose: either do the play or spend more time with them.

I do not do well in conflicts or in arguments. My brain never seems to catch up, so I never know what to say and all I do is feel what I'm feeling. So I was mostly just quiet when she was telling me all that.

I cried myself to sleep that night. The next day, it was a Sunday, I woke up and did not want to get out of bed. I cried more. I called work and said I wasn't going in. I stayed in bed until 5pm, crying, falling asleep, crying, falling asleep. I dont know if anyone noticed; I think they all went out to do their own things. I think that was a good thing. I didn't want anyone seeing me, and I didn't feel like talking.

But I decided to do the play anyway. My sisters tried to talk me out of it. They asked if I could just work on the play another way, like do the backstage stuff, just not be an actor in it. I didn't want to do that. I decided instead to give up work this semester; I arranged a leave of absence. So yes, I'd be in school all day every weekday because of classes and rehearsals, but I'd be free on weekends since I won't work. (I don't think it has made a difference. Because they would have their own plans anyway and go out. I'm not mad about it; it's just what it is.)

But ever since then, I'd get anxious about when I'd be out late or if I wanted to do something on my own on the weekends. I kept feeling like they were upset whenever I'm not home. Or that they'd talk about me when I'm not there and how I'm never home (I've heard how they talk about each other when the person isn't there, so I don't doubt that they talk about me too)

Another thing is though... I don't feel like this is my home. I haven't felt like it was for a few years now. I feel more comfortable being somewhere else. And just personality- and characteristic-wise, I'm the type of person who likes going out. I'm a night person. And I just like being busy and having a lot of things to do. So it's not that I forget I have a family; I'd just really rather be out doing something else for myself.

But is that so wrong? A part of me feels like I'm not supposed to be that way. I want to do things, but then I get anxious and think, "Wait, but my family might get upset," and then further think, "Wait, but why would I let them dictate what I do? I can make my own decisions." I know I need to work more on being assertive and standing up for myself, and doing and not just saying. But when it comes to my family, I feel weak. I always feel anxious and worried about what they would say or think about me.

Especially today, November 15: The day they leave for Hawaii and the night the play opens for an audience to watch.

Throughout all this, I've been getting support from my significant other. She gives me a lot of strength and reminds me why I chose to do the play. But I know that she can only do so much and that I need other perspectives that are not hers. I am financially worried about going to see a therapist and also scared about how my family would react. But I will work towards getting the help that I need. For now, I turn to 7cups.