Anxiety has tumbled my life out of control....

I really don't know how to began this post, so forgive me if it seems all over the place. I guess I can start with the beginning.

Have you ever been a certain way that you just felt was always normal, so you never questioned it? That's how anxiety has been for me.

I've been trying to write a book now for years, but I always felt something in my gut stopping me. Kind of like that feeling you get before you need to step in front of a large crowd and give a speech. I would be all excited to start the process, but the moment I go to open the laptop to type, I hit a wall. It felt like there was a gate in front of me locked shut, and I couldn't pass through it. I felt dead inside about writing, even though just 5 minutes earlier I was excited about thinking about it.

I started to re-evaluate my life, and like a piece of glass shattering, I realized I got this way towards EVERYTHING. Watching a movie. Reading a book. Basically, anything that involves effort....I got this feeling of dread over. I never noticed it before because it's been so gradual that I just assumed it was normal. It turns out, it's not normal at all.

I've realized over the last year that I find no joy in anything. In my head, sure, thinking about books, or writing etc brings me joy, but physically doing it? It's the very opposite. I get anxiety-wriden when i even try to perform a task. And if I push myself through it, after about 5-10 minutes I can't do the task anymore. I lose focus and feel numb inside. I don't undestand why this happens, because if I'm not actively TRYING to do the task, I'm all excited about it. I just don't get it.

To make matters worse, I recently lose my job (and i believe my anxiety caused it). I'm 36 years old, college educated, married, have a daughter in college myself....and I'm getting fired from a job because my anxiety gets in the way. This isn't how I pictured my lfie at this point. Now I'm running low on money, my health benefits are about to expire, and my entire family is at jeopardy . I thought that when I was pushing 40, I'd have a huge 401(k), investments, money set aside for retirement....I have none of that. I am jobless, and in serious danger of being financially ruined. I have 13 years experience in my job field, yet I can't get anyone interested in hiring me?

I really don't know what to do. I feel like a complete failure. I was buying groceries today and I about started to cry in the middle of the frozen food aisle because I didn't know if I would be able to purchase groceries for my family in a few months. My anxiety cost me my job and the well-being of my family, and simply don't know what to do.

On top of that, I have nobody to talk to. You would think being married would solve this, but it doesn't. My wife feeds off of my stress so for her sake, I try to not show it to her. I just cry in the shower, in parking lots, and yell at god when I get a chance.

The older you get, the harder it is to make friends. I have no friends. I have nobody to talk to. Nobody to vent on. Nobody to check up on me when I need it. Nobody that understands. I miss being a young teenager again, where life was full of friends and fun. I would do anything to be 20 years old again.

There is so much more I could write in this post but I feel that this has gone on long enough. If you've made it this far, thank you so much for listening to my story. Just having a place to vent this out to helps.

Thanks Everyone....