Anxiety so bad it makes you want to cry your heart out.

Hello there,

I'm in class as I'm typing this because right now I am feeling so overwhelmed that honestly if I weren't using this website as a distraction right now I could breakdown in tears. There has always been a lot of trouble between me and education. All throughout my childhood up until now, we're talking 4 years old until 18, I have always found educational environments distressing.

As a child with undiagnosed Aspergers I always had such a high sensitivity to emotions, I didn't really understand emotions either until I matured. I remember a lot of my days spent in playschool ended up with me bursting into tears all while the teachers grew sick and tired of me, so sick and tired they told everyone else to "just ignore me". I was 4 years old, and the teacher was already sick of my sh*t.

I remember how the other kids thought of me as an oddball. I have always had issues fitting in, so many issues that ended up with me being ridiculed, bullied and teased, both verbally and physically. Heck, even as a toddler I was pinned up against the wall during breaktime by this little bully and had to have my twin to come out and defend me. You may think this is a joke, it's not a joke, I can still remember it.

I feel like most of my education I was treated like an object by the other kids, simply because I found it hard to "fit in", because my interests were different compared to most children, because unlike others ranting and raving about boys, makeup, celebrities, etc etc. I was running around showing off my impractical joke book, laughing at silly noises and obsessing over Spongebob Squarepants. I suffered from severe social anxiety all my life, I'm almost convinced I have some type of "selective mutism". And nope, this isn't anything to do with my Aspergers. I was never diagnosed as a non-verbal or semi-verbal austistic child. This is because of my social anxiety I am like this. My social anxiety is the sole reason I cannot speak in certain situations, that I become mute, against my own will, that it f*cking pains me to even be like this. It has always stopped me from doing this. And like most disorders, NO... I can't control it. This isn't a case of shyness. This isn't a case of "being able to talk but being too scared to". It's not that. Even if I know deep down inside I shouldn't be scared, that doesn't stop my vocal cords from ceasing up and my mind going so numb I can feel the weight piling on my shoulders.

How I can differentiate this from being non-verbal/autistic? You put me in front of a group of friends, people who I am close to, and then this issue with not being able to speak will suddenly begin to ease off, because will Selective Mutism it makes you unable to speak in certain situations against your own will, and I hate it so much, in fact it makes me want to take a hammer to the face.

I can seriously feel myself getting close to beating myself up in class over this struggle. This disability. This f*cking disorder that I haven't been given proper psychiatric care towards, as nope, even someone like me can't POSSIBLY know what is going on inside of his head. I have suffered this way from the age of 4 onwards. If there's one thing I didn't know, was that there was a proper word for it, a term, a diagnosis, that's likely why I haven't even been tried for a proper evaluation yet, because the doctors hardly know it exists! I'm going to fight for that diagnosis though, not to make me feel special, not for cool points or anything like that, but because I want it SORTED OUT.

It could potentially save my life. No joke. The amount of times I felt like "topping myself" over this, or purposely injurying myself over this out of pain. Emotional pain. A longing, no, A YEARNING FOR SOCIAL CONTACT. This drives me over the edge. It hurts so bad. It hurts even more when you're SO SCARED people won't believe you. This isn't to say I will go through with any urges to "off myself". Trust me, been living with these thoughts for years and I'm still breathing in sweet, sweet oxygen. If anything, I'm hoping that oneday I'll soon get the psychiatric help I deserve. I crave. I need. I lust for. (No. I don't mean lust as in lust but an expression moreso).

In class right now, I can barely get on with my work and it hurts. Ever been so frightened you can hardly get up off your seat? I have a hot glue gun I have left on the side for a while, and I'm scared said glue-gun is going to be knocked off the table and end up damaging something and thus I will be harshly told off for being so careless. (Everyone is stepping over the wire. I'm too scared and desperate to write this post to even do anything about it. Really, the tears are dying for release and my head is numb).

Ever been so scared that every muscle in your body aches when you move? Same here. This happened to me a lot. Especially when walking up to college. OH, the amount of times I have turned up late because my legs and ankles were killing me under the weight of my paranoia (literal, physical pain) and been scolded for it. Sure, it's my fault for not leaving the house earlier, but then again, during the times I'm not even out of the house I'm tucked away in bed letting myself heavily cry while all of the shame piles up on me and the reality that during my time in college people will never know how desperately I want to become their acquaintance. How desperatelty I long to join in with their conversations without feeling like an object, a shell, a creature. Right now, if I were able to do this freely without putting my course at jeporady, I'd simply get up, go home and sleep. I'm a concoption of depression and anxiety. If I'm not freaking out and crying, I'm sleeping it all off.

Heh. This is something else. In my own defense I can end up acting really bitter towards some people, not outwardly (because, honestly, I love people and crave their affection and this would only make me a screaming *sshole) but I give off that vibe whenever I feel threatened/intimidated. Now most people know about the stigma related to mental illnesses. Even bringing this up right now I can't help but feel this is all one huge excuse not to do 'X' and sit on my lazy butt while throwing countless pity-parties and expecting "the world to revolve around me".

It get so nervous around people. I feel like a dog who had to endure loads of abuse and now can't even trust his/her new loving owners anymore. So whenever they try and comfort it, the dog freaks out, flinches and hides. There's this one girl who ends up having that effect on me. Everytime I look up from my laptop, she's always giving me an intimidating glance back, as if to say "eurgh. That weirdo is looking at me again. Why won't it stop??" I've felt so guilty from the times we've accidentally held contact, and have felt so desperate to come over and softly say "Hey. I... uh, realise sometimes we've ended up staring at each other... and not to be rude or anything... I just wanted to come over and apologise if it makes you uncomfortable... I'd like to get to know one another..? Or... just to let you know I don't feel badly about you... just nervous. It's alright, I'll try and not look in your direction so much if it makes you feel any better." *smiles warmly*.

Yes, in case you were curious, or not curious, but for the sake of knowing, I have been accused all throughout my school life for having these "staring problems" and kids would constantly run up into my face just to tell me so. "Oooh, you got staring problems or something mate??" "Stop staring you weirdo!" then they would open their eyes up real wide as I walked past, just to make me feel queasy. It's nothing I can help though, it's a part of my genetic makeup, I was born with ridiculously huge eyes... my parents regard it as sweet... I've been taught to hate them, often squinting them whenever I'm able to without looking "off-putting"... just to make my eyes appear more "normal" or something like that.

You see why this gets to me so badly? I hope you do, this is the first time I've opened myself up so greatly without being ashamed. It's personal. Talking about it with the hopes that someone can respond to this with hope and affection puts me at ease. *heavenly sigh of relief*.

I'll put more into the comment section, but you've probably read enough right now. Should I talk to you about the issues I have with a hungry, rumbling gut? Yeah... maybe I should do that.