Anxiety with my girlfriend drinking
My girlfriend has had drinking/ drug problems in the past. She got drunk tonight and told me shes been hiding a bottle of liquor in our closet from me. After we fought, and she fell asleep I saw a plastic bag in the corner of the closet. I found 4 wine bottles and and bottle of hard cider all empty. Idk what to do anymore. Am I really less important than alcohol??
@Kingoftattoos
Unfortunately, alcohol is controlling her right now. It's a struggle for family and loved ones who have to deal with someone who is addicted. You feel less important. You feel like you care more about her health and wellness than she does. Addicts will lie, cheat, hide, steal, whatever it takes to get their choice of drug (booze, pills, sex, hoarding, etc.). They're being controlled by that drug. In a perfect world where her brain wasn't clouded and she was completely free of alcohol, she would realize all the chaos and sadness she's causing. But the alcohol won't allow it right now.
Does she want help? Is she willing to go to rehab or therapy? You can support her and love her, but you cannot change her. She's the only one that will be able to do that.
@thoughtfulmomma
Thank you for your point of view. I should have put more context in my post. This is the 2nd time this has happened in 6 months. On top of the nights she has just drank too much and becomes very mean and nasty to me. Idk I'm wearing thin. I care about her more than I can explain because when sober, she is all I could ever ask for and more. She wont consider rehab, she doesn't think it's a problem. She goes to therapy on and off but she claims she cant afford it and wont take my offer to pay. She takes anti depressants but not consistantly, and wont let me help remind her. She has also been in abusive relationships with older men in the past, that destroyed her self esteem. She says she drinks because of her low self worth and she doesnt hate herself when she drinks. I've offered to listen, talk, get her help, layed down rules, all are not taken. My friends say leave her, my therapist tells me I'll continue to be let down until she finally gets herself help. I cant fix her unfortunately, that's all on her. I'm the first guy to have a problem with it and cared enough to want to do something. Her last relationships just kept her hooked to control her.
How much more am I supposed to take? What else can i do?
She talks about how I'm the first guy she has pictured marrying and having a future with, but I cant see that clearly until shes clean. I just don't know how much more my heart can take until I break. My trust in her is ruined again, and I get enormous anxiety when she drinks.
And every morning after she drinks too much I get tons of apologies, and promises she wont drink again but within 24 hours that's gone and everything is fine.
Not to pump my ego but I'm a good guy, I'm clean, have a career, I treat her like gold, and tons more to offer. I just dont think i deserve any of this.
@Kingoftattoos
Unfortunately, it sounds like you're going to have to give her an ultimatum. I know that sounds bad, but until the addict understands the consequences of her actions, she won't change. "If you do not get help for your addiction, this is what is going to happen: 1, 2, 3..." It's not an easy thing, but you have to let her know that, even though you love her, you need to have peace and happiness in your own life. You need to put together a plan of action in place - one for if she's willing to get help and another for if she's not. And if she says she will, but then goes back to her old habits, you have to take action.
You have to take care of yourself. You shouldn't continue to be miserable because you love her. She needs to love you - really love you - enough to get help. Does she want that?
@Kingoftattoos
Unfortunately yes, people have different tolerance to alcohol, but as an addict myself I know it comes a time when nothing is more important than alcohol. She loves you dearly, but alcohol has taken hold over her...I always look for causes and not effects...something makes her feel unhappy and unfulfilled, I cannot go into her mind and soul, but if she felt happy she would not seek the "pleasure" of alcohol...It is very bad for her now...and extremely difficult to recover...I hope you love her enough as to stand by her, because now she will be more and more vulnerable...
I feel sorry for her and I wish you would try to understand and if you love her, support her in her struggle...😔 life is sad...
I truly don't think drinking is just because you're unhappy. I drink to be able to communicate, I'm usually terrified to leave my own home so when I do and people talk to me I have so many things I want to say. So many thoughts I want to express, so many questions I want to ask. The minute I open my mouth nothing comes out or something that makes me feel even more ridiculous does. When I drink I can express myself and I'm not afraid of anything. I feel like the old me, I feel normal. Maybe to some people that sounds bad but for me it's a small break from being stuck inside my own head my personal prison.
Ok later
@Kingoftattoos
It definitely sounds like she has an addiction. Have you tried asking why she chooses to drink so much? Is it just something she passively enjoys doing? Or does it tie in with a bigger problem she's concerned about?
Best thing to do at this point is talk to her. There's only so much you can do if she's not willing to change. But maybe you can get to the root of the problem.
@ExiledWriter
Thanks for replying. If you take a look at my reply to the first post on my thread you will get some back story.
Any input is greatly appreciated.
Thanks
@Kingoftattoos I'm so sorry that you have to see someone you love go through this and I'm sure it hasn't been easy. First, I want to acknowledge how brave, compassionate, and kind you are. You've taken time to love yourself by reaching out for help! Take a deep breath in and a deep breath out. Tilt your head up, stretch out your neck, and stretch out your arms. Try going for a walk to calm yourself. Maybe try putting your phone away for a moment and admire nature/ buildings/ or even the ground around you. Find the beauty or attention to detail in some objects around you. If you're still feeling a bit anxious, try drinking some cool water, hot de-caffinated tea, and if you've had coffee this morning, treat yourself to some good food! You're an amazing human being in need of some rest and relaxation!
I recommend grabbbing a journal and write. Act as if you're writing to her. Share things that this addiction has done to hurt you and her. Spend maybe a few days on this. I'm now thinking that a conversation needs to happen between you and your girlfriend. Try finding a time (specifically a time where she doesn't usually turn to alcohol, perhaps in the morning) where you can sit down and share your concerns. Remember to remind her how loved she is. Express that you want to see change and you support her. Recommend a local AAA group, make goals of eliminating alcohol in the home, try out different addiction apps, and/or seek therapy.
As you have this conversation, remember the things you share with her might not change anything. Is she seeking help? Does she want help? Is she willing to do any of these options?
Overall, love is also an action not just a feeling. Love is putting other's needs equal to or before your own. If she isn't expressing love in these ways, what does that say about how she feels about you?
Love doesn't require you to coninue a relationship, love includes letting go. Love also includes being able to love yourself. What do you want in a relationship? What are things you want in your future? What are some ways you love yourself? You can't love others well if you are you loving yourself first.
You are not alone. Keep seeking help. You're doing amazing!
