Despite everything I have ever gone through, and the evil I have seen in the world.
I blame my mom still for not treating me and my brother the same growing up. I was not abused, but God, she made me seem like a trainwreck waiting to happen, and he just lived such a free life.
Now that I have seen more of the planet, and the people in it, I am angry at them, but more than that I am angry at her for making me seem like a monster, or a trainwreck waiting to happen, I was a good kid, was respectful, never did drugs, dont have stds, I really wish I could have understood why she was so paranoid and so prone to micromanagement growing up.
Like everything in my life I have ever gone through, is less than the resentment and betrayal I felt for my mom treating me like a monster and my brother not growing up. The only good thing out of this, is that my brother is a legit angel and we get along well. But otherwise I just didnt get why I grew up with a door open, and my brother gets to do whatever he wants. I wish it could be cause of sexism, but mom is a feminist, so I have to like pin it down to she just didnt like me. Cause of her, I am sure thats the reason I have difficulties getting along with women of my ethnicity. Atleast trust issues, or fear of them taking over my life. Lucky its not for most women beyond my ethnicity.
I am such a good person. I don't get it. Maybe her fear was more that I am a danger to myself, but I am so cautious and so neurotic cause of the paranoia she had for me growing up.
Dad prefers my brother too, but he raised us equally, with almost equal lecturing. Dad's only fault is he raised me as a son too. So in my house cause of dad I didnt have any inclination to female hysteria or burst of emotions. I am too analytical and that creates a problem when I am dealing with women who are prone to catharsis of problems with no solution, I have to stop the urge to tell them to shut up, mainly cause it is not productive, but more so my dad said to me to be emotionally strong, and now I transfer that parenting expectations on everyone else. I cant stand people venting.
I love both my parents and they are better than most people, and ethical people, but this is my resentments. I like my dad and brother. They are okay.
@funnyWriter805 mainly cause my mom was not raised sheltered, and she has seen most of the world, I dont know how she decided that her daughter was the worst possible case of trainwreck waiting to happen or possible monster on the planet. She is not naive, and she has seen the evil in the world. Cause she is intelligent enough to understand people, it pisses me off more. If she was stupid, I might find it easy to forgive her, but she is so intuitive that it pisses me off.
I just want to get that tickmark from her, that I am a perfect human being, and good inside out for the 4 year old me. to now.
@funnyWriter805 she has been incredibly sweet to me in adulthood, so like this is like an old wound. Whenever I see waste of spaces on the planet, I really feel the inner urge somewhere to show that to my mom and be like "look at this trash! I am so much better than what you made me out to be!"
And it was less about my dreams and what I can accomplish, just mom really thought I was a trainwreck waiting to happen or a horrible person waiting to happen. I was a really good kid, and her paranoia is always gonna be a grudge.
@funnyWriter805 i love her, but whenevr I find someone worse off than me, I feel the urge to tag her in that story so to say, and say "Look how wrong you were, this person is worse!"