Everything’s fine NOW, But my anxiety still haunts me.

**family/ parental loss**. **life support**. **PTSD** **GAD**

my mother had suffered from a pulmonary embolism two months ago and was rushed to hospital. She was then put on life support for a month. She is fine now, and we are all at home and safe. However, my mind can’t stop thinking about that month. Every day I was by her bedside. And everyday we were told she wasn’t going to make it and would most likely pass from this. As we sit at home, my mind uncontrollably brings up the trauma that I endured from my position in the situation, as if I’m back in the moment, my mind full of messes, doctors rushing my mother out, cardiac team telling me she won’t make it, er docs saying she might be a vegetable when she woke up ( she’s not, she’s up and moving around like nothing ever happened) although I had support from my family and S/O when we lived in the hospital for a month, two hours away from our home, bouncing to whatever hotel had an opening for the night, I feel as though I took on most of the responsibility & heart ache, considering I lost my father from a terminal illness at a very young age, and my mother is the only thing I have left. The trauma and hardship that I endured that month makes me so sad for those that have had to go through the same thing as I, knowing I wouldn’t put my worst enemy through such a thing . The trauma of this event has caused me to have PTSD and has definitely increased the GAD that was once bareable. I feel so guilty because instead of enjoying the moments I have with my mother now, my mind throws a moment from the hospital in my head and then I can’t stop thinking about it. And then, I start to feel guilty for not cherishing the moments I have with her, instead I’m thinking of that horrible month I went through, but I can’t control what my mind makes me think. It’s not me, it’s my disorders that run rampant throughout my mind. It’s a never ending cycle of feeling guilty for living in the past, then feeling guilty for not cherishing the moments I have with her. I’m stable and fine, and working with healthy coping mechanisms to get myself through this, but kind words and good energy would be much appreciated as I go through this. Thanks for listening!