Fear of...everyone
So here is a little TW: this has to do with body image and past self-harm. I’ve always been a heavier girl and none of that bothered me for most of my life because I was healthy and very tall for my age. My freshman year of high school though, I started to get bullied for my weight and that’s when I suddenly became overly conscious of myself. I would spend everyday comparing myself to others, sucking in my stomach, wearing clothes to hide my curves, and crying because I looked different. It got to the point where I would binge eat and then self-harm as punishment. After meeting my boyfriend it stopped for a bit, but after moving onto my college campus it started happening again and now it’s to the point where I can’t wear swimsuits, can’t concentrate on anything but my weight, can’t look in mirrors, and can’t even make eye contact with people. I’m so afraid of being judged and so disgusted at how I look that I would rather stay in my dorm and take online classes...I can’t stand myself for looking like this and I just want it to go away...
I'm sure you are beautiful just the way you are. I understand its difficult to accept yourself. I've been dealing with anorexia in the past and im still too light for my age. I, too, hate myself so much. Sometimes I feel ashamed to go out for shopping and have low self esteem. But hey, you truly are not alone.
@skaisayler Hi, I felt the same way a couple of years ago. I was binge eating and then won't eat to compensate for calories. I lost 10 kg in less than 3 months and overall 20 kg in that year. I would eat so little that a regular size meal would look so big. I also was getting drunk 4 days a week and was depressed. I was so skinny and yet I would see myself fat. I lost my period and didn't think about anything else than looking good. The lack of nutrition hurt my skin, I lost a lot of hair and my nails would break easily.
An exercise that helped me was to think about each of my body parts that I didn't like and think how my life would be if I lack that part. I started to acknowledge that each of these parts was perfectly functioning and they kept me going. I also would hear other friends complain about their body and thought "but you are so pretty and you have a big heart, it doesn't really matter that you have this or that" and then I would think "well if I think that about my friends, I am also valuable for my heart and the good I can do to others rather than my looks"
I deactivate my Instagram and Facebook to stop worrying about sharing my selfies and get other's approval. I gave away the scale (I obsessively weighed myself every day). I started to hear my body and eat when I felt hungry. I recover my weight and some additional weight but I was happy because my obsession would slowly stop. Since I wasn't eating I would not have enough energy to focus, study, or exercise. Now I exercise and I like my body even with the extra weight, I am losing weight in a healthy manner and feel strong and I am growing muscle.
I remember looking at the mirror and thinking how can anybody fall in love with you?... and while recovering I started to watch a lot of videos on youtube about self-esteem and exercises to love myself. I started practicing looking at myself and find just one thing I like and compliment me about it in front of the mirror (every day). Like for example " Today I really like your hair", "today I like the glow in your eyes" "today you look sexy" "I like the shape of your eyes" "I like your hands".
If a particular day I would feel ugly and couldn't find anything I like I would dress comfortably and put on a little makeup and avoid staring too much in the mirror and focusing on how good I feel to be able to go for a walk.
I started to explore the spiritual side. I found a story useful. In this story/tale they mention that before we are born, as souls, we pick our body. I remember thinking that was awesome. And I think I would pick me again.
I wish you find your own way to fall in love with yourself. I know the struggle and obsession and from this part of the universe, I know this can be overcome.. not easy, lots of crying. But is possible. At your own time and pace. Is great you acknowledge you have a struggle. I found therapy to work with me and reading books like eat, pray, love.