Feeling Like a Failure
This is going to be very long and whiny, so I apologize in advance.
I just have a problem where I build things up and beat around the bush, and it's hard dishing out my problem on other people. I've recently started opening up to my mom about a lot of my issues, like my depression and my PTSD. But things have been getting worse, and I feel like I'm hardly functioning.
I'm 26, live with family, and frankly feel like a huge failure and embarrassment to my family. I left my previous work for self employment, where all of my plans fell through. I'm hardly making anything, and I've been sick for the last week, and don't have any money. On some level, I know they're understanding, but I feel like my family is just so done with me. I have a long history of unemployment due to my depression, and I hate feeling like I'm slipping into old habits.
I have medication, but I'm bad about taking it. I self sabotage a lot, like not doing things I need to because I'm a failure anyways. I don't take my medicine sometimes because I figure the same thing; "it's not going to change the fact that you're a fat loser, so why bother?". I hate having these thoughts. I'd like to see a therapist, but I don't make enough. My credit is a mess because I just screw myself over all the time. I've been self sabotaging since I was a teenager, and only recently learned what it was. I just don't even know what to do anymore.
I recently spent two days over at my best friends place because I didn't feel safe by myself because I kept having suicidal thoughts. I don't really think that I'd do anything, but it really scares me, and I just don't see a way out anymore. I've been struggling with all of this since I was a preteen. I'm 26 now, and I just don't feel like anything is ever going to get any better. I feel like such a burden and like I'm wasting everyone's time.
I'm sorry for being whiny, I just don't know what to do anymore :(
@SC1991
Hi there,
I can relate to a lot of the things youre saying. Just yesterday, I made a huge ass post in here because I was feeling pretty much the same way: a failure, stuck at home, with little to nothing to my name, being hardly able to keep a job for various reasons. Yesterday was a really low point for me, but today it feels better. Everything that was shit yesterday, today was... ok. Not great, but ‘ok. I know what its like to sabotage yourself (I dont self harm, but Im bulimic... which could probably be considered a way of self harm) because Ive done it since I was a teen as well. Only thing I can say is usually after reaching rock bottom, things start to get better. Even just slightly, but they do. ‘Cus, as cliche as this is, after reaching rock bottom, you can only go up. Im starting to raise... or so I think. And I hope you will too, very very soon. Hang in there. I know my story and my experience may not be the same for you, but I really, truly do wish that you start feeling better soon, and that things start to go your way as well.
Best of luck, and a hug. :)
@SC1991
I have a poem that I made today because I was feeling the same way. I hope it's a little helpful
mental illnesses are all about
i dont understand
i dont know why
im sorry
thats because nobody does
its not about understanding
or knowing
dont be sorry
its about accepting
i dont understand religion
or quantum physics
but i accept that they are there
and they exist
maybe people do understand those
but thats not important
what matters
is acceptance
i accept my mental illnesses
and my faults
maybe i hate them
and wish they would go away
but those are the worst days
when i walk in circles
wishing i could get better
but not realizing
im being held back because of it
