Feelings of Impending Doom

Feelings of Impending Doom

Trying desperately to rid myself of this near constant feeling of anxiety, depression, and panic that has been building up over the past few weeks. I’m scared that I will eventually become suicidal.

At least once a day this laundry list of thoughts start rolling through my mind and I can’t make them stop.

• My girlfriend is too good for me and I don’t deserve her.
• I don’t make enough money to enjoy the things I have or get the things that I need.
• I’m too slow and not doing enough.
• My girlfriend is going to leave me and I can’t take care of myself on my own because I don’t make enough money.
• I can’t do anything right and constantly make bad decisions.
• I can’t hear or see very well and I’m too forgetful.
• My girlfriend doesn’t think I’m manly enough for her and thinks I’m a ***.
• I’m losing my hair.
• I take too much time off from work, I should be able to get to work even in a foot or more of snow.
• I’m pathetic.
• I need my hand held through every task and can’t do anything alone.
• Everyone makes fun of me and thinks I’m dumb.
• I’m constantly waisting time on things that don’t matter.
• I’m not good at my job and I’m a slow worker.
• No one trusts me or believes me.
• Flooding/tidal waves of loneliness/despair/impending doom/guilt/shame.
• I have a small *** that doesn’t work.
• I just don’t want to exist anymore.
• My dog is going to pass away.
• My dog is in pain and anxious and it’s my fault.
• I can’t fix anything in my life.

I even know that all of these things aren’t true! But they won’t stop building up inside my head. Sometimes all I can do is break down and cry in my car at the end of the day after work. I struggle to communicate these things to my significant other because I don’t want them to affect our relationship. I’m trying to find a therapist, which is much harder than I thought it would be. I’m also trying to get a physical scheduled with my pcp and get a hormone test done among other things. I try to exercise, use mindfulness techniques, breathing exercises, I have hobbies to distract myself. I’m medicated, even though I’m pretty sure my medication isn’t working anymore…. Sometimes it becomes too much and I don’t know how much longer I can do this. All the nerves in my chest feel like they’re on fire with anxiety, I feel like I’m hyperventilating and I want to cry but I can’t. I just don’t know what else I can do. But at the same time I know what I need to do, but it’s so much, I just freeze and can’t move or do anything to help myself.