Feel like I'm ruining lives?
So a few months ago, my ex-boyfriend's dad passed away. It was a long distance relationship, and I didn't really know how to deal with it except by checking in and making sure he was okay, while also providing space. We ended up breaking up, which is fine, but I can't stop thinking that I didn't handle it correctly and made an extremely difficult time in his life harder by not giving enough space? We stopped talking, which is fine because I want him to focus on himself. I also have other relationships that ended, and then I spent years afterward second-guessing everything I said and all the mistake I've made and how I've hurt them. Did I ruin their lives?
I have noticed that I tend to misremember details and I change things in my head, which makes me feel worse because I only remember the bad things I did. How do I either accept that I hurt people and apologize and move on, or realize that I'm not the giant villain that ruined these people's lives? Based on other friends and the conversations I had with them, everyone seems to be doing well. But how do I stop overthinking and move on from the past?
Hello @myrab. I'm sorry that your thread has been sitting here unanswered. I hope that the guilt has subsided a little since you originally posted this. If not, I wanted to let you know that I was going through something similar when I rejoined 7 cups in January. I had gone through a recent breakup and I couldn't help but feel guilty that it was all my fault that he left me. I thought I was the one being completely unfair to him and I originally came here to learn how I could be a better person for future interactions. But as I recovered and I've had more time to process the breakup, I came to realize that I was holding on to too much of the guilt. I stopped trying to empathize with his situation and really looked at it from my own perspective. If I jumped into a time machine and went back to before the breakup, there is NOTHING I would have been able to do differently. I was in a place where that was the absolute best I could offer. I was putting in the effort and he didn't think it was enough. That isn't my fault. I did everything I could.
Does this relate to your situation at all? Sounds like you were trying to provide your ex with what you thought he needed after a death in the family. Maybe there was a lot of guesswork because he wasn't communicating what he needed in the moment. When you "guessed wrong" that led to a bigger issue and you felt guilty for your action in it. That doesn't sound like it was all your fault. He had an equal role in that misunderstanding by not communicating with you. It's hard to be there for someone when they don't express what we need because we all react differently. Some people want to be left alone and others need support from their loved ones. It is impossible for you to have read his mind and know what he needed.
I hope this helps. If I misread your post and this didn't help you look at things from another perspective, let me know. I know that I struggled to turn the guilt around for a long time. It didn't get better until I talked about it with my counselor. I hope it helps you to talk about it too.