Gym Anxiety, or Body Image ***Trigger Warning***
Sorry for the writing style. I'm working on it. The first time in five years, I went to the gym. Over the years my body's changed from the statue of David to "What the hell is that". I thought there'd be others like me there, but I was surprised to see. The gym was crawling with supermodels. Only there to scare off the fatties and r*****s. I felt like they all were staring and watching me. Each time one of those Ken and Barbie wannabes would walk by me I'd whisper "Get away from me" and "leave me alone". I stood out from the "people from Olympus". I felt like a fat sweaty mentally ill blob that shouldn't be seen in public. My whole life I struggled with body image. I never thought I was thin or fit, even when I was. I nearly killed myself being bulimic in my late teens to mid 20's. I guess this was brought on by my family. I was always body shamed by them, although my mother was diabetic, my father was WELL over 136kg(300lbs), and my siblings were always overweight. I remember my father used to make me stand in front of the mirror and lift my shirt up (or rip the shirt off me) and tell me I'm fat. And it wasn't only at home, but at church too. They'd even touch my body and talk about how fat I was. I don't know if it's scary or sad, but I wasn't fat. Didn't those (expletive) know that calling me "fat" would affect me in the long run? Didn't they care if it did? No way. I was never allowed to feel good about myself around them and I don't know why.
Hello @Grievance, I’m very sorry about what you have been put through. That’s abuse you have suffered. You are perfect the way. One thing is watching your health, another is trying to fit a certain standard of an ideal body, that, IMO, doesn’t exist except in people’s head. I can relate. During the 90s, the body type every magazine publicized was thin to the extreme. Because of that, and of other troubles, I became nearly anorexic. When I was a child, I was a little chubby, had baby fat, and got bullied many times. Now, I’m happy with my body. I don’t care about standards. I make my own. Be yourself a “trendsetter” by loving and accepting yourself, your mind and body, and try to ignore those toxic people. They are insecure and full of frustrations, so they try to find an easier target to feel better about themselves. Despise those people. People that love you will love for who you are. Of course, you can always improve yourself, mind and body, since we are permanently evolving - but by your own terms. You’re beautiful and you are not alone. You’re special, don’t ever forget that. Take that trauma they have put you through and transform it in strength. Much love 🌹
Thanks for your support...
Hi, I’m sorry that a day that maybe you were looking forward to or happy about ended up being an unexpectedly stressful one. I know if I was in that situation, I definitely would have had huge anxiety too when I got there and didn’t see anyone who looked similar to me. It makes sense that you would feel singled out and alone and reminded of times like you describe at home or church when your family and others were hyper focused on your body and making you feel bad about it. I think you’ve taken a significant step in reflecting on how your feelings as a child have grown with you and in deciding to release those feelings in a healthy way instead of trying to push them down or project them onto others like you saw your family and others do growing up. I hear your anger at feeling like you’ve never been allowed to feel good about yourself around others, and I hope you will be able to find that, maybe even starting in a small way here in this community.
