Harm OCD

Hi Everyone,

I suffer from panic disorder and OCD and one of my OCD manifestations is harm OCD. For those of you unfamiliar with harm OCD, it's when one gets reoccuring intrusive thoughts about fearing harm to others or themselves. For instance, if I chopping vegetables with a knife I may get a thought such as "What if I go crazy all of the sudden and hurt my cats with this knife?" or if I'm standing on a tall building I will get thoughts such as "what if I lose my mind and jump off of this building?". Sometimes the thoughts aren't at all violent and I'll get thoughts such as when sitting in class or during a work meeting such as "What if I lose my mind and get up in front of everyone and embarrass myself?". I've had these thoughts for years and they used to really mess with me and disturb me. I am taking medication and it has helped a lot but not completely eliminated them. I've also learned to better manage the thoughts when they do come and prevent them from taking control of me. For instance, when I get a thought about losing my mind and hurting someone I care about, I think "that's a strange thought to have. I would never hurt someone I love." and then I toss away the thought.

Recently, I told my boyfriend of 3 years about these thoughts and how much better I was doing with them. Well last week I came home to him with his truck packed full of his stuff and him saying he was leaving. I asked him why and he told me he couldn't handle my up and down moods any more and that he also said that he was afraid of me after I told him about my thoughts!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about telling him. I really thought after 3 years ago that I could trust him, especially since I was telling him I was doing better. The worst part is that he also told his whole family about the thoughts and they all think I'm dangerous and that I should be admitted to a psychiatric facility! I feel like a total monster