How am I feeling right now?

Hi everyone! Right now I am not feeling so good. You will probably read this and think I am ungrateful and I am pretty awful, I won't fight you much on that.

So here is the deal:

When I was 16, I was hurt pretty bad by someone. He took something from me that I will never ever be able to get back. And I've had sex since and gotten over my fear of it over time. So baby steps. But I feel as though no one believes me. I have a hard time opening up about it and talking to people when I am not feeling too great because I truly do not think that people believe me when I talk about it. I recently had to get my disciplinary record from college and even just reading that, my life does seem pretty unrealistic.

My last boyfriend before my current boyfriend used to hurt me. Verbally he would tell me how I was fat or should be more like his ex. Nonverbally he would often do things that resulted in my harm. Eventually I worked up the guts to leave the guy. But that took time. Don't ask me why, I am very forgiving.

But here I am, leaps and bounds above the girl I used to be. I finished law school. Do you care? Probably not. Don't feel bad though, no one seems to care. And I get it. There is a pandemic. There is literally people dying out there. There are people who are putting their lives at risk. The spotlight is on that. And it probably should be. But everyone kinda just shrugged this big deal of an event off for me. I feel forgotten about and like my accomplishment doesn't matter. And I feel awful for resenting the health care workers who are getting parades and free hotels and free meals because they do deserve those things. But part of me feels that they are just doing the thing they signed up for, their job. I feel awful for having this resentment. Tell me I am an awful person if you want, I feel like it for feeling this way.

I started working full time. I am also studying for the bar exam. I am so overwhelmed. I am exhuasted. I feel like I cant handle everything on my plate but I cant afford to lose my job offer or fail the bar exam so I am trying to push through. I am scared of letting everyone down. I am scared of the bar exam. I am scared.