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legallybrunette03
54,224 M Confident Walk 2
PathStep 15 Compassion hearts600 Forum posts23 Forum upvotes21 Current upvotes21 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2022 Member sinceApril 25, 2020
Bio
“Smile, because it confuses people. Smile, because it's easier than explaining what is killing you inside.”
― The Joker - Heath Ledger

Recent forum posts
Working, studying, going insane
Anxiety Support / by legallybrunette03
Last post
July 8th, 2020
...See more Has anyone else felt like they are slowly or maybe not slowly losing all sanity? I certianly do. I am currently working full time at a great firm who offered me a job to become an associate long term contingent on me passing the bar exam. And i am also studying as many hours as I can cram for the bar exam. The bar exam makes me face subjects like property, my first C ever in my entire life, and subjects i never studied like family law or secured transactions. Long story short. I feel unprepared, dumb, and am questioning how everyone else is seemingly handling everything fine. What is wrong with me? Why am I so dumb? If i do fail the bar, which I fear I am heading.... I lose my job, and I dont really have an amazing gpa or all the job offers to handle that blow.... everyone will know because it will be posted publicly (the list of those who pass) and I dont know quite honestly if I would be okay. I am scared. The stress is bringing back bad nightmares constantly. So not only do I get to have an increased heart rate, feel like I am drowning, cant breathe, no way out during the day...every night with less and less sleep I get it too. I get to relive some of the darkest moments in my life. I dont know what to do. I try to talk to some listeners who seem somehow more interested in my trauma and the details that I dont want to talk about with it...and sometimes people who dont undestand what the bar is what significance it has and act like it is just some small exam... I'm desperate here. I am scared. Tired. Stressed. Confused. I feel so dumb. I cant get professional help becuse the bar examiners hate that and may decide that because I am strong like every freaking one else that I am not fit to be an attorney. I promise I will always fight for clients, give it my all, and do things right but apparently that doesn't matter and it just matters that I have panic attacks or I get depressed or have bad thoughts or urges....Idk. Anyone been through this? Any advice? Anything?
Need Advice
Anxiety Support / by legallybrunette03
Last post
June 3rd, 2020
...See more My anxiety is getting really bad. At first it was centered around a bad incident. I have nightmares often, but now I cant even pick a meal easily. I cant do work. Its interfering with everything. Someone tell me how to cope with this. I feel like I am spiralling.
Tired
Trauma Support / by legallybrunette03
Last post
June 2nd, 2020
...See more Hi. My name is Jess. I dont really like talking about what happened to me. The series of bad choices I made that lead me from one pain to another. The things I let happen. The things I refused to report. I keep reliving it though. Every night. It feels real. I feel him. I feel him touch me. His hands. I feel his breath. I feel the pain. I hear his voice. I hate his voice. I hear the words he said. I need it stop. Oh god I need it to stop. I cant sleep. I keep over eating and drinking energy drinks trying to get some sort of energy. Watching my body deteriate. My abs go away. My skin pale. I cant do this. I dont know what to do. I cant breath at night. It scares me so bad. I feel so alone. I cant tell anyone because it was my fault. It was all my fault.
Scared
Anxiety Support / by legallybrunette03
Last post
May 11th, 2020
...See more I had a nightmare of something that really happened that wasn't too good. It felt like reliving it. I am really scared. I feel like I am drowning between work, studying for the bar exam, and trying to balance helping out with my mom/having a relationship. I feel like nothing I do matters to anyone. I am really sad.
How am I feeling right now?
Anxiety Support / by legallybrunette03
Last post
May 7th, 2020
...See more Hi everyone! Right now I am not feeling so good. You will probably read this and think I am ungrateful and I am pretty awful, I won't fight you much on that. So here is the deal: When I was 16, I was hurt pretty bad by someone. He took something from me that I will never ever be able to get back. And I've had sex since and gotten over my fear of it over time. So baby steps. But I feel as though no one believes me. I have a hard time opening up about it and talking to people when I am not feeling too great because I truly do not think that people believe me when I talk about it. I recently had to get my disciplinary record from college and even just reading that, my life does seem pretty unrealistic. My last boyfriend before my current boyfriend used to hurt me. Verbally he would tell me how I was fat or should be more like his ex. Nonverbally he would often do things that resulted in my harm. Eventually I worked up the guts to leave the guy. But that took time. Don't ask me why, I am very forgiving. But here I am, leaps and bounds above the girl I used to be. I finished law school. Do you care? Probably not. Don't feel bad though, no one seems to care. And I get it. There is a pandemic. There is literally people dying out there. There are people who are putting their lives at risk. The spotlight is on that. And it probably should be. But everyone kinda just shrugged this big deal of an event off for me. I feel forgotten about and like my accomplishment doesn't matter. And I feel awful for resenting the health care workers who are getting parades and free hotels and free meals because they do deserve those things. But part of me feels that they are just doing the thing they signed up for, their job. I feel awful for having this resentment. Tell me I am an awful person if you want, I feel like it for feeling this way. I started working full time. I am also studying for the bar exam. I am so overwhelmed. I am exhuasted. I feel like I cant handle everything on my plate but I cant afford to lose my job offer or fail the bar exam so I am trying to push through. I am scared of letting everyone down. I am scared of the bar exam. I am scared.
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