How do I let my guard down and stop being scared all the time?
Hello, my issue is that I'm always so paranoid of someone watching me and that something terrible is going to happen to me. I got out of a really bad place about 4 years ago (I won't go into the whole thing just one detail that I think is relevant.) I lived with a very bad and unstable person for a year and some months. She installed big noticable cameras throughout the house to keep an eye on me and my family while she was away. (I still don't know if they were fakes meant to scare us, or if she actually watched us through the cameras but it always felt like she could see me.) Ever since me and my family got out of that place and into our new home I still haven't been able to shake the feeling of dread she instilled in me. Everyday I check to make sure my doors are locked so no one can get in. I'm afraid to put headphones on or have my tv/computer volume too loud just in case I can't hear someone come in. I always feel like I'm doing something horribly wrong and hide whatever it is I'm doing and I make up an excuse in my head just in case they question me.
Just an hour ago I had my headphones on listening to music with my door closed and my dad walked in and tapped on my shoulder and scared the hell out of me on accident. He came in to say goodnight but after he left I broke down crying and I don't know why. I'm always so afraid that the person I lived with is going to come rushing through my door and get me! I can't wear stupid headphones because then I'm vulnerable! I know my dad didn't mean to frighten me, i'm just so on edge all the time!! What can I do to let this horrible dread go? How can I relax when I won't be aware of what's going on around me? Should I talk to someone? What should I do? Thank you for any help you can give.
@AdmiralSnuggles I'm so sorry you had to go through this ordeal. It sounds utterly horrible and traumatizing. Nobody ever has the right to invade your privacy like that. I'm glad you realize how bad it is, and want to get better.
I hate to jump to "have you considered therapy?" because it seems like the obvious response, but you know what you're going through is not normal and is keeping you from living your life. You deserve help if you can afford it. If you can't, be patient with yourself and be open with those around you about what you need. It's ok to tell your dad to say, text you if he sees you have headphones on, or to otherwise alert you. It's also okay not to wear headphones for a while; or to slowly move from the kind that allow ambient noise in (like apple ear buds) at low volume to ones that are more noise isolating.
I lived with someone for several months who made me feel guilty for being out, for having friends, for spending too much time working. She was an alcoholic and generally an unhealthy person. She also had a financial hold on me. When I finally moved out (thank god), I felt guilty for everything for so long. For months I couldn't hang out with friends without feeling some kind of urgency; if she ever texted I would immediately go into "helping" mode again. I felt absolutely consumed by what happened. Over time it subsided; but I still protect my own space, make sure I have a small space and a small bed that nobody else can share with me long-term...
Well. In any case, you're in your right to take your time dismantling survival mechanisms. It won't be easy but you're doing it.
@pinkTortoise4076 thank you so much for responding, god as awful as it sounds its so nice to hear someone tell me that what happened to me wasn't right. I'm sorry you had to (and maybe even still) feel that way. I think I am going to buy ear buds and just only have one in at a time, at least for awhile (thank you for the advice!) as for my dad I think he'll understand if I tell him that I startle easily and would prefer if he texted me when he catches me unaware. I just have to work up the courage lol. It seems silly to be nervous to tell someone to understand your boundaries but I guess after everything that's just how it is. I really do want to see a therapist one day, but I'd have to ask my dad and I don't think i'm ready for that conversation. thank you again for telling me this, it's something I really needed to hear
