I don't know where to put this thread it has so many sides

I'm sorry if this gonna be long i just really need to talk about it ,-,

When i was child my mom prevented me from playing alone with other children in the street so most if my times was spent in the house and this was the only mistake in my mom's raising about me so when i go to school for the first time i was really happy about it she said that but all i remember is awkwardness with talking to other children i just have friends when i moved from a class to class and back to my class again so yeah i was having a fun childhood life

Untill.......

When my friends grow they started to change but i didn't they started to leave me alone because i was really quiet and my cinservation was boring and they was loving to have fun but in bad way and i said no ti this kind of fun like talking about rumors or making fun of other people put i didn't

So.....

One of my classmates start to bully me taking my food and play it and throw it and i was weak even my friends was laughing at me , my mom always told me to tell the teachers if they bother me but my teacher was also laughing and i had nothing to do i thought my teachers was cared and loved me but i turns on that they love my grades more than me they compared my class to me whatever proplems my class do maybe that the reason why they hate me? I can't blame them then we were just children this time...

so in my last years in the primary school i was being more quiet some crying and sad all of my class hated me ignored me and i become the quiet ghost my mom suggested me to move in another middle school and i agreed to make a new life after this sad primary life

-I want to talk more but i'm scared this will be to long to anyone to read but i'll continue ;-;-

The middle school~~

I failed .. i failed to change any thing i the second time was the black sheep in my class i was quied just having one friend to talk to because we had the same interests we become best friends then, i also remember having few other friends in my class but then in one day i realized they were jyst friends to me because of my best friend and that broke me . Oh also my math teacher was making fun of me because my high and my silence and all of my classmate avoid me all the years and also i were in a superior class so i lost my shines i was having in my primary school and when the first year end

there is all it started....

My best friend moved to other class and i realise that i need to make more relation .. with the new student in the class who don't know any thing about me yet

And i succeded XD

They just treat me like a normal human and i love it and relaxed with it , i knew a girl who is know my new best friend and everything was perfect but.... my math teacher still making more fun of me because know i stopped to be the quiet girl in the class and that broke me like being quiet isn't good and open up also not good what do you want from me '-'

Yeah i have a little social life that time but that didn't prevent from my past and present to affect on me , if i come to school early i hide in the bathroom until the class date so my classmates don't find me sitting alone the connection between me and my first best friend started to feel bad i feel like i was the one who encourage it whatever the second year in the middle school was the best little time but it didn't cure the childhood trauma

Now i'm in the highschool ,-,

Also someone bully me for just being quiet

You know i feel like i'm the only introverted quiet girl in all of my schools

I hate it

I have a beautiful group friends bit i'm not that comfirtable with them

I hate it

My classmates doesn't feel comfortable with me

I hate it

I lost my interest in anyone around me because i don't want any connection which is gonna be just a memory

I hate it

I have a stomach ache because of my worring and anxiety. started when i walk in the school street and it doesn't let me all the day

I hate it

I don't care anymore about listening to anyone there or telling them anything about me its become pointless

But.........

I'm not happy about it it makes everything worse , i can't achieve dreams without any human connection i have a two sides arguing inside me and my high anxiety making it worse, i hate when i see my friends who is started to be open up more and having a fun social life and then there is me who is become more worse and worse at it

I'm so lost this days i come back from my school to my bed crying pathetic thinking what i'm gonna do in the university if all of my schools life was bad i'm so afraid about losing my good group friend or having more hardness in my adult life

I done thanks for reading and i'm sorry if you lost your time in this thing ^-^