I feel like a loner
Since my early teenage years I have found it quite difficult to make friends & strong connections with people for 2 reasons:
Firstly, Ive always felt very awkward around new people as I dont know how to start or maintain a flowing conversation since Im not much of a talker. As a result, I really dislike going to places where I have to mingle. I get so stressed out thinking about what I can talk about before I get there and while Im talking to someone Im more preoccupied with what Im going to say next to avoid an awkward silence rather than being present and listening. Ironically, I enjoy being invited to social gatherings as it gives me the option of deciding not to go because not being invited makes me feel rejected, and rejection is another longstanding issue of mine.
My fear of rejection means that I dont often initiate social catch-ups or host parties. If someone doesnt reply to my message or is unable to attend my event, I take it personally and as a result I sabotage my relationship with that person by never contacting them again or ignoring them. I know this is unhealthy but I cant stop myself from doing it.
I envy people who have many close friends & who gets asked many times to be a bridesmaid. Ive never been asked once to be a bridesmaid and for my own wedding I didnt feel like I had anyone to ask. It sucks to feel like a loner and I wish it wasnt the case.
@Summerbreeze3829
I completely understand how you feel, I too struggle with building lasting relationships with others. Now I don't think I'm shy or have trouble being talkative around those I'm already accustomed to but meeting new people is soooo challenging. I feel as though it is my responsibility to keep conversations flowing and if there's a momentary awkward pause I feel as though it's my job to break it. Because I continue to struggle with this day to day I can't exactly tell you how to overcome it but something I tell myself during conversations or even before having a conversation with someone is that you dont owe the person you're speaking to ANYTHING if there's an awkward moment just smile through it or even mention the awkward feeling out loud and laugh it off. The more you over think, the stronger your Sense of anxiety will be. NO ONE IS JUDGING YOU, most are too focused on themselves or how their personalities are being perceived! Everyone is just as anxious as you are and are more likely too caught up in their own internal stresses to even mind yours lol as for bridesmaids I don't think I'll have any friends at my wedding I don't think any of my current relationships are even strong enough to consider anyone a "good friend" that's why family is everything! They're the ones who have no choice but to accept you
@SincerelySweet Unlucky for me my family hasnt always been there, and I wouldnt be surprised if thats where my rejection issue rooted from. My parents are divorced; my dad lives in a different country and we hadnt really kept in contact and my mum always had at least 2 jobs so she was never physically around growing up. Im an only child. My extended family are all closer to their friends than to their extended family.
@Summerbreeze3829
we all joined this site in hopes of finding a community of similar people who understand what we each are going through individually in order to overcome our challenges. Your family may not be there for you but Hi, my name is Elizabeth, I'm here I understand how you feel and trust me I'm going through something similar. Talk to me and don't worry about having anxiety over the conversation bc I'm probably having a panic attack thinking of what to say in order to keep the conversation going. And if any awkward silences present themselves I promise to flood you with funny memes until you feel better
@Summerbreeze3829
I can very much relate to sabotaging a relationship on purpose after feeling rejected or inferior. It's gotten to the point where I'm no longer seeking friends, because I know that I don't handle conflict well.
