I hate being watched or observed. Any advice for this?
I'm a 20 year old male. I decided that I'm going to try to get out of my comfort zone. I went out for a short walk around my neighborhood just now. I notice I have this intense fear of being watched or looked at. During my walk I had cars riding by. I hate when cars ride by me because I feel like the person driving or the people in the car are looking at me and judging me. I had to walk near an intersection to get back to my house. I don't like when cars are stopped at an intersection and I have to cross, because I feel like everyone in their vehicles are staring at me and judging me. Judging the way I walk. Them sensing or noticing that I'm nervous or uncomfortable, and judging me for it.
I also have a fear of catching my neighbors sitting on their porch. I didn't catch anyone sitting on their porch during my walk. However, I have these thoughts like "What if I see my neighbors sitting on their porch? Should I say hello to them? Should I wave? What if they ignore me? What if I don't speak and they think I'm ignorant or rude? What if they think I'm weird?" I don't like being observed by people. It makes me uncomfortable.
Whenever my father observes me doing something he always judges or makes fun of the way I walk. He tells me I walk very stiff. Because of that I'm self-conscious of the way I walk. I always feel like people are judging the way I walk. He gives me a hard time and gets angry with me for looking nervous or uncomfortable when we're out sometimes. This is why I always feel like people can sense that I'm nervous and are going to judge me negatively.
My father always tells me, "You have to always watch your surroundings when you're out. You have to walk with your head up and your chest out. You have to man up and toughen up. You have to appear strong. You can't appear weak or scared, because people will try to harm you if you appear vulnerable." This is why I'm always a little paranoid when I'm out of my house or being watched by people, because I don't want them to think I'm weak and I don't want them to treat me like I'm nothing because of it or try to harm me.
Sorry if this is all over the place, but all in all I hate being watched or observed by people. This stems from a lot of the things my father tells me.
Any advice would be appreciated.
@Devin2019 This is a really natural thing to feel, I think. I am 21, and I also feel quite self conscious if I can feel people looking at me. But I think that what your dad is doing by saying those things to you is amplifying the feeling to extremes. So, I think the best thing to do would be to try to talk to him about how it makes you feel -- maybe not in detail, but maybe a little bit. Of course, this depends entirely on the kind of person he is and the sort of relationship you have, so of course it would be worth thinking about how he might react and whether his reaction would help the issue or not. If you think he'd understand, then that could be good to try.
Also, I just want to say that the idea of being a "man" equalling standing tall and being strong and stuff is really changing in our world, and masculinity is not so rigid now that all men must act the same. So, I think the people that are looking at you are not necessarily judging you for not walking or looking right, because they look different from everyone else too, as we all do. I think that what helps me the most in terms of being self conscious about others' opinons is firstly reminding myself (and really thinking deeply about this) that everyone has their own insecurites and their own differences, and that you are no more different or weird compared to one person than that person is compared to someone else, if that makes sense. Also, I think that I (and a lot of other people) overestimate how much strangers really think about us -- when is the last time you saw someone and continued judging and criticising them in your mind for a long time, right? I think most people take in others and move on.
I will tell you what happened to me once. As some backstory, I am really big on the environmnet and protecting the planet and such, so seeing rubbish on the street really makes me sad and I like to pick it up, sometimes. Well, once I saw a plastic wrapper (like the transparent cling film) lying on top of the gutter, and I picked it up so it wouldn't flow into the drain. As I picked it up, I locked eyes with a stranger, and he was actually grimacing as he was watching me! Honestly, I don't blame him -- the idea of picking something up out of the gutter is unappealing to most, which makes sense. But, of course, I was very embarassed! I sort of had to repress the embarassmnet for a while, but I knew that to truly let go of it I needed to let it 'wash over me' so to speak. Usually, when I am feeling embarassed or self conscious about something I have done or someone seeing me do something, I take these steps to 'let it go':
1. I aknowledge the feeling and let myself sort of writhe in embarassmnet for a bit (uncomfrotable but necessary)
2. I think about what the reaction of the other person may have been -- initial disgust, certainly, but what comes next? He probably moved straight on with his life and didn't think about me any more. Or, maybe he even understood what I was doing upon further reflection, and thought it wasn't so weird.
3. I remind myself that even if someone thinks I'm the biggest weirdo ever, it doesn't really affect me (at least not directly) and how I need to go about things.
I feel like I am getting a little off topic (I am sorry for the novel!) so I will hone mysef in: maybe you can use my process to deal with your own self-consciousness. Of course, it sounds like your feelings are a lot harder to control than mine were, but maybe you can first of all sort of 'aknowledge' that people are looking (if they are) and see how that makes you feel, and then try to see yourself from a stranger's perspective -- a stranger doesn't know you are self-concsious, and they have no reason to suspect it or anything else about you, and even no reason to look at another stranger for anything longer than a couple seconds. This all seems a little simplistic, but maybe if you remind yourself of these ideas while you're walking around, it may be easier.
Something else that helps me is checking if people are actually looking (this is hard to do, but they're often not!) and sort of saying 'so what?' if they are -- kind of trying to let go of the idea that what others do has to affect me, if they're not directly interacting with me. Anyway, these are just some ideas. I don't know if this makes any sense or if it will be helpful to you, but I hope it will? You are awesome just the way you are, and there's no reason to feel embarassed about being yourself!
Just a quick comment on feeling unsafe -- for me, what works is being aware of my surroundings. Not checking everything of course, but just being present and generally knowing where you are and what's up around you. Also talking on the phone is an awesome thing -- it helps you to feel safe because you know that you are not 'alone' (and everyone around you knows that), but as well as helping me feel safe it helps me feel less self-consious because I am kind of 'part of a group'? Not sure, this one is hard to explain, but usually walking with others is like a protective blanket, and the phone can help emulate that. So, if you have someone to call while you walk around, that could be a good tip also.
Okay, I have checked, and the above text is over 900 words, and it is late in the AM here so I better go to bed now! I hope you enjoy reading my debut novel. Before I go, I just want to say that I do not mean to make light of your feelings by giving these solutions and stuff, I know that it is absolutely easier said than done! But I wanted to tell you my anecdote and my ideas about this topic just in case it was useful to you in any way. I really wish you all the best, and I know that you can overcome your worries!
Good luck with it all, I'm rooting for you. :)
@friendlyStrawberry303 Thank you for the detailed reply.
@Devin2019 No problem! I hope you are doing well, and that at least some of my ideas were useful. :)
Before I tell you how I cope with this I want to remind you that everyone needs different coping mechanisms. What you are dealing with is SO normal and I think EVERYONE struggles with this to one degree or another. Please recognize what works for me might not work for you. With that being said the way that I handle this is:
Think about you. When you are walking down the street and you come across someone walking toward you, think of your thought process.
You'll most likely glance over, see who is walking toward you and use what they look like to make a snap judgement. It may be negative, it may be positive. It may be that they remind you of something else. . . How long does that judgement stick with you? Do you think about that stranger for the rest of the day? Do you think about them the next week? Unless there is something extraordinary my guess is you've forgotten them and the judgement you placed on them in a matter of minutes. Your next thought will quickly replace that judgement. Maybe you're now thinking of what to make for dinner or a phone call you have to make?
If that's the case, why are you letting a stranger whose snap judgement of you is forgotten in minutes dictate how you spend your day or what you wear? Their opinion/judgement not only disappears quickly, but also has NO affect on you. Your day will move forward no matter what they thought of you. You will still be wearing whatever you're wearing no matter what they have to say about it. They don't know you. They don't know your story. Don't let them write the next page.