I'm new here and am feeling conflicted

Recently I've been concerned over my mental health/stability. I had my first appointment with a therapist irl but I feel helpless. I'm not currently experiencing severe anxiety or depression (hence my ability to actually go see someone about it) but this also makes it hard to explain how I feel and why I'm even there. I dont know if I just can't comprehend what I've felt or if I just can't explain it but, in either case, I'm not able to convey how I feel. I'm stuck in this conflicting paradoxical loop of "I need help, but i dont want it/can't bring myself to get it" then "I can get help, but I don't need/can't have it right now." I just feel a little disappointed, mainly in myself, for not being able to get help when I need it. Anyways, just wanted to get out what I've been feeling today since I dont really have anyone to talk to and wanted someone to hear me out. Thanks for your time