Intrusive and negative thoughts about relationship
Hello everyone!
So... I'm 24 and from what I remember, I've always had intrusive and negative thouths. It's like my mind is extremely used to them and when I try to think positively, it is almost unnatural and it feels weird.
These thoughts vary in their "theme". For example that something will end up very badly. But currently these thoughts are about my relationship. I have the most perfect boyfriend. Yet I am scared of him leaving me or cheating on me. Past few days I was reading a lot of articles about how monogamous relationship are unnatural and now I am scared that what if I will become boring and he will find some other girl? Mainly after several years of relationship. I was chated on before by a different BF and it hurt so much that I am afraid that it will happen again.
Also I feel a lot of anger within me. But I don't know how to let it out. Currently, the anger is about me not being identified with the role of a future mother. I am not pregnant or anything, I just don't see myself as being a mother. And I am angry at men because women get through a lot of pain, our bodies change drastically after pregnancy, our confidence may become low and men will still look at other younger women because they are beautiful. It's just so unfair to be a woman because once we are less attractive or tired, men will look elsewhere to seek their pleasure. Either by staring at other women or approaching them to have sex.
And now that I wrote this down I feel so ashamed. My mind is extremely negativistic. I tried mindfulness but it didn't work. I feel helpless.
@loyalRaven9908
Hello! Have you just noticed these thoughts? I think it's great you have this self-awaress. This is the first step to dealing with anything! It sure does feel weird and unnatural when we first try a new habit, I can relate to that. Good on you for getting started on practising. 
It sounds like some of these thoughts are connected to fears you have around your relationship not working out. That makes sense, especially as you experienced it before. What are your own thoughts and your boyfriend's thoughts about monogamy? It might be a good idea to chat about these things. Yes it's true that some people don't believe it is natural, BUT many people believe it is and happily live monogamous lives. But good idea for you both to make sure you have the same goals and values, and can talk comfortably about stuff as it pops up in your minds.
Do you worry your boyfriend doesn't value you for more than your appearance? Have you chatted about this together? We all grow old and change, so do men! Sometimes women lose interest in their husbands also, do you think he worries about this happening too?
It is understandable you feeling angry about fairness around these things. We often feel like things 'should' be a certain way. But reality is they are not! Yes I get mad about that sometimes. Anger is a natural emotion that can pop up when we feel threatened in some way, or face an obstacle. It might be real, or imaginary! There is some good info on this site about dealing with emotions/anger.
We are surrounded by certain body images in the media, and it is so easy to let them affect our views of our own value! My own experience was that in my 20's I felt very insecure, and relied on other's approval. But in my 40's I have far more confidence and happiness, even though I am a little overweight at the moment. I am much kinder and wiser and content with my life and I value things other than age/appearance and share my time/life with others who are the same. Kindness and real connection with good people are things we can carry through to age 100. :) But for me it all happened gradually, as I worked on it/myself. We don't have to be perfect at any stage, we are all learning and growing throughout all of life, it never stops.
I think it is common for women to not want children. I never did, I didn't even like them. But then I became a mother and have not wanted to do anything else since! 20 years of mothering have been the best thing I ever did. But not everyone is the same, we are all different. I know many women never have children and live wonderful lives.
I understand you feel ashamed of your negative feelings, and helpless as to what to do about it. I have found myself I need those dark/stuck times as they push me to learn and grow and get support/solutions. It sounds like you have already started the process of self-awareness, sharing, and reflecting, and finding answers. Blessings and best wishes. 