I want to change

In the wake of a breakup (amicable and therefore sad), I've been coming to a lot of realizations about myself that are uncomfortable. It's hard to know what to do with these revelations; I feel like I have to reevaluate every truth in my life. But I also feel like there are certain things I know from experience, and I'd be naïve to give certain people the benefit of the doubt.

I'm just sitting with these feelings for now because I can't do anything about them, but they are making me want to attempt intimacy with the person I lost, the person I gave up last month. It's not that our relationship was perfect — far from it, his withholding tendencies and weird jokes and immature way of shutting down rather than talking things through made me feel bad and lonely, and accounted for much of the reason I never told him any of my most painful thoughts or history, convinced he would form a picture of me that wasn't true, or that he'd doubt me. The thing is, he was also good at being sad. He was good at confronting negative feelings. That's why it fell apart, he didn't want to join me in my fantasy of normalcy. That was what it felt like, anyway. I think that if I told him my complicated feelings toward people in my life, he would see the wrongs more clearly than the rights; he would project his own experiences onto my story and make it sadder and stranger than it needs to be, and that would really hurt. But it would have also brought us closer. It's hard to know what I want right now, or what to do. My body is full of secrets and it's a lot to contain.