I want to share something about myself.

I struggle when it comes to socializing with people. From elementary, that was grade 1-2 I experienced being bullied because of being fat and I was always the quiet one) from then on I became aloof and isolate myself I did my best to become an achiever in class. I always keep my thoughts to myself, not even my family knows it. All they know is I'm doing great at school and I'm okay. Well, that's true I'm okay but I don't know why but whenever I got achievements in school I feel not that happy? I only talk to my classmates when it comes to school related things but other than that, I try to avoid situations to socialize with them. Even in high school, that's the case. Whenever someone is inviting us to go to someones house to hang-out, I'll think of reasons to not go. That's why I didnt have any friends. I'm avoiding them. Too guarded to express myself and open-up to people. And when there's an event to attend, I feel anxious about and thinking of possible scenarios that could happen. I even tried to avoid our class reunion because I think I would just be left out. Just thinking about it make me so anxious. In college, I had friends, but not that close friends and haven't contacted them for too long, Idk if they still remember me. And now that I graduated college, that was 2 years ago. I was so afraid that time, just me imagining that I would graduate, I'm scared of the changes and about finding a job and thinking about the interview and working for real. It really make me so anxious. I didn't look for job immediately because I took care of my grandpa who's sick at that time and left us that same year too. Up until now I'm still not working but I'm trying find a job now even just work from home. I know that even if they don't say anything, I disappointed my parents. I hate expectations. Everyone around me expects to me to land a good job because I was always an achiever in school. I feel that without it, I'm a nobody.
Maybe they think I'm too lazy to find a job and just wasting my time stucked in our house. They don't have any idea how useless I feel right now. I want to give back to my parents I just keep on escaping reality, being too afraid of changes that I need to face in my life. The thing is, whenever I get overwhelmed with stress and overthinking, I tend to not care anymore and avoid the situation, It's like I feel nothing anymore. And when it's time to face the reality, I feel so anxious. How am I going to survive if I'm always like this? I know what to do, and the only one who's holding me back are the fears that I built inside my head. I don't know, I just don't know what to feel right now.