I wish I was normal.

Growing up, I felt a lot of pressure around the people around me and I always felt like I needed to please others in order to succeed. When I was in elementary school, I couldn’t even look my teachers or any authoritative figure in the eye. If I did, my head would start shaking uncontrollably. I didn’t know where this was coming from. It continued on in high school until I learned how to control it myself. I just kept telling myself, “Calm down, you’re fine. They’re not scary.” Fast forward after college and I’m showing physical symptoms of anxiety. It came out of nowhere and my panic attacks caused me to have breakdowns every time I stepped foot outside. I kept worrying about my health and what would happen if I got sick in public. I would hyperventilate, have heart palpitations, have uncontrollable shaking, crying, and nausea. I thought I was going crazy. It was the worst year of my life. But thankfully, my parents finally believed it was time for me to try therapy. I was diagnosed with GAD. I can’t believe therapy helped because I was able to slowly but surely step foot outside again without much reaction. I still had anxiety but I knew how to cope with it. Even taking the bus by myself was an accomplishment. My bf was very supportive and I learned that I just need someone to talk to. Meditation, yoga, and positive affirmations helped me too. I stoped therapy thinking I was good to go but now I’m falling back to old habits and feeling awful (I’m feeling easily irritated and anxious). I’ve learned it’s an ongoing process. I’m joining therapy again with hopes I’ll be able to start healing again. I just can’t help but think of the past when I was able to do normal, mundane tasks without the fear of having a panic attack. It’s really frustrating.