Just want to vent

I'm at a point in my life where I should feel fine but I'm just getting worse. Idk if I have anxiety or if I'm just being dramatic and selfish and trying to find something to blame my flaws on. I tend to be able to ignore it for a bit, but it keeps coming back and I hate it.

For context, I'm going to university in a few months. I've never had a part time job and I feel so lazy that I don't have one. I say that a lot are off limits due to parents//unable to get lifts/ covid anxiety etc but I know on the inside that I'm just being lazy. The topic comes up in day to day life a lot, and everytime it's mentioned I want to cry.

Friends, family, they keep inviting me to do things and although I know I have a lot of time now (summer holidays) seeing myyschedule fill up so fast terrifies me. I've never been one to go out and after the whole lockdown thing especially, sometimes leaving the house seems so daunting.

It's not as if I'm useful at home either. I just stay in my room all day. I've offered to wash dishes, etc but I don't think anyone takes me seriously/it feels like they try to stop me doing it. I know I should do something because theres so many arguments but the anxiety(?) of even getting up is too much.... and yes, I know i'm making excuses again

I need to be productive. I can't enjoy my down time, because I'm already so lazy, so why should I get the privilege of relaxing? There's so many other people out there who are working hard to support themselves. My struggles are literally nothing in the grand scheme of things. Sure, my grades are good and I think that I've got into a good university on a good course. But whatever. It's not enough

Yet I continue to not try and improve my situation out of.... I don't know.. fear? I continue doing nothing. This excuse of fear feels like my only personality trait at this point, but I don't want to tell anyone that (she says, writing a forum post haha). Am I making this up to be quirky? I can't tell. I don't like attention so that doesn't make sense, but then agan this thread definitely feels like I'm seeking attention

I'm so tired. It's true that I haven't had a proper panic attack in a while (or, another word for it is just being silly and overdramatic i guess) but also I don't have to go out as much. I just stay at home, and zone out.

Pathetic right?? Haha

Anyway, thank you to anyone who reads this. I just wanted to get stuff off my chest and the notes app isn't good enough haha