LOST, maybe

I'm lost, maybe.

Anxiousness, betrayal, lies... These thoughts are hunting my mind, they are daggering me, just as people to whom I could've offered my life did. I would've given them my heart if they needed it. My whole damn life, if they wanted it.

But what did I get in return? Betrayal.

It hurts. Though I'm trying to be as strong as I can, but it really hurts.

It hurts me to see that people whom I thought were my best friends, gave up on me.

It hurts me to realize, that I have no shoulders to cry one.

It hurts me to see him, the only one I had real feelings for, go away.

It hurts me to see, that I'm the only one on the battlefield, trying to please everyone but myself, trying to smile when all I want to do is to hide and run, holding secrets for those who are throwing dirt on my name, living when I all have left is nothing, but darkness. Loneliness.

It hurts me to know, that I'm sick. I'm ill. That illness may kill me. That disease may end my life, but I got used to it. It is betrayal, it is the loneliness that's killing me, tearing me up.

They said "You're not good enough"

He said "She looks pretty, though I care about you, but sorry, she's just more attractive"

The doctor said "You should take care of yourself, you may not have enough time to discover the world"

And I say... I'm tired. Exhausted. Sick of being used as a rag, thrown at the end. Sick of betrayal.

You know... Maybe I was just too dumb to see that these people were toxic to me. Maybe I was too kind. Maybe I should've said NO without the fear of ending up alone. But here I am today, Alone.

And him, who I loved. Him, who I thought would not hurt me. Him, who I thought shared my feelings. I don't believe in love, but he did make me believe in it.

I gave him my heart, but nothing but fragments remain.

I'm sick. Sick of me.