Life changing event and my struggle with health anxiety

I was a very active, outgoing, do it all person before a life changing event in 2015. On the th October 2015, I felt my ankle being sore. After a active day of cleaning and some gardening chores. My husband was away on a businesses trip. At about 4 pm I got up after a 15 min rest, and could barely put weight on my foot. It was all swollen and red. As, at that stage we did not have medical insurance, I drive to our local provincial hospital. I must Emphasize that our government hospitals is basically a "death" sentence if you are admitted or seen by drs. It is the poorest of healthcare in our country. I sat for about an hour in the ER waiting room when a doctor saw my foot. She ordered blood tests etc and decided to admit me, as she wanted to further investigate. On my way to the ward, (pushed on a wheelchair) there was pieces of the passage walls loose, there where towels on the floors from water dripping from the roof and pipes leaking. I called my sister, who stays in another town, about an hour and a half's drive from us and asked her to please come and get me. They then took me to a neighboring towns private hospital, where they also did blood tests and suggested for me to have a sonar done the Monday as they suspected deep vein thrombosis

The Monday they could not find any blood clots in my leg with the sonar. The physician gave me some blood thinners and did an array of other tests, but never a definite diagnoses.

On the 30th October 2015 (which by the way is also my moms birthday, she passed away in 2010) I woke up the morning with a feeling that I should get to the hospital asap, I did not feel any pain or anything other than the urgency to get to a hospital. I walked to the car, and as I came to the card door, I suddenly couldn't breath, I felt my heart beating slower and slower and me stopping breathing, I came too when I was sitting inside the car. On our way to the hospital I apparently lost consciousness 3 times. After being admitted and an MRI, it was determined that I suffered from a massive pulmonary embolism with infarction, 3 blood clots went through my heart, 2 lodged in each lung and one in the middle, I was rushed to intensive care, where they where to give me blood thinners through a drip, which is a very risky procedure, as you can bleed internally. The dr came to me and said they can no longer postpone as I started having heart failure. Only about 4 % of people suffering from what I had survives!

I was in hospital for a week and sent home to recover. As in my 53 years (at that stage) of my life I have only had minor illnesses. This was where my whole life changed. I lost all my hair as well. I could not walk as I could before, my whole body suddenly turned into the body of a 90 year old.

I started suffering from health anxiety after my first year of recovering. It really got very bad 2 years ago. For me, who has always been able to do anything, it was the biggest challenge to get my self confidence back, which I still not have. I cant even go the shops, even getting visitors sends me in a panic.

At times it feels as if I hate myself for not be able to control my feelings of unworthiness, not be able to sketch, no gardening, no athletics, even cleaning or bathing is a pain full experience, as I have also been diagnosed now with severe gouty Arthiritis.

I have been trying affirmation apps, and a few self help meditations etc. At times it really gets so bad to just try to stay positive and not being afraid of every pain or symptom that I have.