Mad at myself
I hate my anxiety and how much it limits me. I wrote this on here before but I had to take a big step down in my career as a lead full-time teacher because I couldn't handle the stress. It triggered my anxiety so bad that I was very close to being hospitalized. This was only after a month of being in the job. I'm subbing now which I can handle but I feel like such a loser for not being able to handle this job. I almost feel like I'm not enough. I'm very introverted and I think I'm better off just being in a support role, like being a teaching assistant. It just makes me hate myself because I couldn't do it. I hate who I am. I really hate me. I've been through enough losing my mom to suicide. Now I have to deal with being a failure for not being able to be a lead teacher. Life is not fair. I'm such a burden.
You aren't a failure, maybe you only need to sub while you get more used to things and can take a teaching positon later. At any rate it was smart realizing that you were gettng in over your head and pulling back before you needed to take more drastic measures to maintain your sanity. Even if you need to sub for a while, or go to a differnt type of support role, what you are doing is needed in society and I applaud you for that.
I'm sorry you lost your mother to suicide. That probably isn't making things any easier and if it happened recently it could feed into all your anxiety and stress.
@berryfields2409 thank you. I lost her 5 years ago. So not recently but not that long ago. It def has increased my anxiety and has effected me mentally.
I agree with berryfields, your role is needed in society and it's undervalued and underpaid and disrespected by many ignorant people.
At the same time, I would like to say that grief, and the unplanned journey you set out on when an important person dies, never quite goes away. We learn to live with it, to make room for it. Sometimes we think it has resolved or has healed, but then something reminds us of the loss and the empty place where the loved one used to be in our life. I think these pandemic times are a great big grief process for us all, as we lose what was "normal" and I think we are all bound to feel triggered or reminded of who and what has been lost.
I think it's okay to step back a bit from being a lead, if you need to, although I would guess it would also feel like a defeat or feel like giving up, or something. Maybe when you feel stronger again, and things are less crazy, you will feel able to step back into that role.
@InquireWithin Thank you <3 and yeah maybe one day.
