Martyr Complex - time to accept this is me
wow... this is tough to write...
I've come to the accepting realization that (as much as I hate to admit it) my husband is right about me. And my past therapist is right about me.
I am a martyr.
I don't think I completely understood the definition when the term was first directed at me. But after watching my daughter do the same things I do, I have really been reflecting on it and looked up exactly what a martyr is.
- Prioritizing the needs of others over their own. check
- Difficulty saying “No.” check
- Seeking praise or validation for their self-sacrificing behavior. check
- Believing they deserve higher rewards based on the effort they put in.
- Feeling neglected or ignored by others even though they did all the right things.
- Feeling pressure to save the day because no one else will. check
- Difficulty trusting or relying on other people. check
- Difficulty setting up healthy boundaries, particularly around work, school or other daily responsibilities. check
- Blaming others for their actions and outcomes. maybe?
- Participating in passive-aggressive behavior. check
- Holding other people accountable to unrealistic expectations.
- Increased sense of dissatisfaction toward the person or organization you sacrifice for. check
Some of these things seem to go along with my ADHD diagnosis, and these are all long-standing.
And looking back, I do see how it comes from my mom. She never put herself first, and there was always an undercurrent of resentment and frustration. Which made it hard for me to feel confident, like I mattered, etc.
And now I'm seeing some of this stuff with my 12 yr old daughter, and i'm feeling so responsible in some ways.
I don't want her to have the same struggles.
And I'm feeling guilty about husband having to deal with two of us who struggle to share thoughts and feelings. :'(
I know I need to be better. And I need to work on moving forward, and finding better ways to support daughter.
Too many thoughts in my head right now...
Hi @galfromaway 💗Identifying a problem is always a good first step. It's admirable that you're taking steps to make things better, not only for yourself but for your daughter as well. I can understand what you mean about feeling guilty. But knowing is half the battle, and you've already taken a great step in moving forwards :) 🌼
@galfromaway
First of all, I just want to say I think it's great that you are coming to this realization about yourself. I'm sorry you feel responsible for struggles that your daughter may be beginning to experience. I think it's important to keep in mind that it's never too late for self-improvement - at any day, at any time, we have the power to shift our behaviors. The first step is awareness and you're already there. Some people never get there at all! You have the ability to show your daughter how to navigate these behaviors in a healthy manner. Believe in your potential for growth!
@galfromaway Sounds like there is a lot on your mind. I would feel so overwhelmed if I was in your situation, I’m amazed at how your handing it. You have come so far already, to realize this is what your dealing with and to care enough to reach out and take the steps to growth. You seem like a compassionate wife and mother and I’m proud of you to take these steps to healing!
@galfromaway
Im proud of you for how much reflection and self awareness you have shared. Its ok to have a lot of thoughts. Don't feel guilty for being who you are. Its ok to struggle sometimes. I'm happy to hear you have accepted who you are. Thank you for sharing :D
@galfromaway
Dropping in to tell you that you deserve love and consideration too, both from others and especially from yourself. Like, if anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or gives you anxiety say “no” and remind yourself that “This guilt of putting myself as priorities is based on habit, not based on fact.”
Its really hard to admit something like this to ourselves and even harder speaking it aloud. I appreciate your progress and courage (:
Be patient and gentle with yourself, ok?
@galfromaway Thank you for opening up and sharing. It is not easy to look at ourselves this closely, especially when it stirs up guilt or difficult realizations. It takes a lot of courage to put into words.
I can hear how much you care and want to break these patterns. The awareness you have now is already such a powerful step towards change.
It sounds like you are also carrying a lot of self-reflection. That can feel heavy and overwhelming. You're not alone in feeling this way. Many people have had to untangle patterns learned from childhood and can be a long but meaningful journey.
If you feel comfortable sharing, what is one small thing you have been thinking of doing differently?
@galfromaway It sounds like realizing you have these martyr-like patterns has been eye-opening for you, especially now that you’re noticing them in your daughter. I hear how much you care about breaking that cycle so she doesn’t face the same struggles you’ve had. You’ve connected these patterns back to your upbringing with your mom, and it seems like there’s a mix of guilt, responsibility, and maybe even frustration in seeing how it’s affected your family. You clearly want to change, not just for yourself, but for your daughter and your relationship with your husband
Hi @galfromaway, It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of deep, honest self-reflection, and that takes real courage. Realizing these patterns and their origins can be overwhelming, especially when you see them in your child as well. It’s clear how much you care about your daughter and want to help her grow more healthily, and that’s already such a powerful first step. You’re not alone in this, and it’s okay to take it one small change at a time. You don’t have to have all the answers right now, just showing up and trying matters more than you think.💓