My anxiety is holding me back in life
I've just come out of a 9 month long physically and emotionally abusive relationship. That person a few months before we broke up would call me worthless, stupid and abnormal for having anxiety. He would always blame me for everything, he stole from me, cheated on me and said to me "I never wanted to be with you in the first place." After I caught him cheating. I knew I had to leave, so I did with help from a close friend. But now since then I've felt so empty and alone. I had to move back in with my mother because he stole all of my money from me. I've had anxiety since I was about 15. That's when I noticed something was wrong. But before that I was a very shy child. I grew up in a domestic violence household and that's when I noticed my anxiety got worse while at school. My anxiety is the worst it's ever been. Now I just feel lost and alone, I can't stop randomly crying at times. I've been having suicidal thoughts, I've had them before throughout my life. I keep attracting bad people into my life too. Before I didn't leave the house for 4 weeks! and was even afraid to go outside. If I do go out, I also feel as if I'm being watched and then I panic. Sometimes I feel off balance when I walk in a busy public place. I've come to realise I've had a few bad relationships that end with them trying to control, isolate or belittle me. After they end is when I get more anxious for a long time and can't forget about it. I'm even afraid to go to college or uni because of the fear of an induction day. I want to over come all this, I really do, as I'm 25 and feel as if I missing out on life.
I forgot to mention that my anxiety started to go down hill again after a previous job I had. When I was alienated, bullied and sexually harassed by my boss and colleague.
I'd appreciate any advice, thanks:)
@Erarosaimmortal
I'm sorry you are going through this. I am in a situation where I have a (repeat) cheating husband and it just has destroyed me. I am happy that you were able to leave. Right now I'm not able to do that. I'm in the middle of graduate school and am not working, so no money and 3 kids to support means I'm staying here another year until I graduate. The stress is overwhelming at times, especially since he is pressuring me to stay married to him. That is adding to the anxiety, I know I need him aroung to help me with the kids, but having to spend time with him is painful. I journal all the time, but I don't keep them afterward. I write furiously and have filled up like 3 notebooks in 2 months, When I fill one up, I throw it away. It's like tossing those feelings out. I'm trying lavendar spray and essential oils everywhere, especially on my pillow to try and sleep at least a couple of hours. We just have to try to not let them dictate what our worth is, but I know that the words never really leave us. Keep coming on the forum and write what you're feeling. You won't find anyone judging you. We are all here for you.
@SLP2Be
Hi there,
It's very inspiring how you are so strong with what you going through, especially as you have 3 children to support. I know it's much harder to walk away, as my mother also dealt with a similar thing when she went through 10 years of an abusive relationship, when me and my sister were still kids. That's what they do, they draw you back in by pleading to you that they will change, or to accept them as is otherwise they will leave you. I'm just fed up of bad men coming into my life, of course they are Mr nice guy at first, then down the line it all changes. Perhaps it's because "we accept the love we think we deserve". I like that quote. It's good you're studying and trying to better your situation. I got away from him, but he took some savings I had and I don't have a career. I managed to find a part time job back home in the meantime. But at least he hasn't got me, as I'm free of him and at peace. That's the only good thing right now. I hope you do get away from you're husband. It will be harder because you have children, but worth it in the end. But don't believe that he will change, they never do. You already know you are worth so much more.