My experience with anxiety attacks since I was just 4/5 years old, without a soul knowing.

It all started around the age of 4/5 years old, you know that back to when you were a Child and you couldnt finish your plate of food than you were forced to finish everything because else it would be a waste of food. Well in my case this is what probably started it al for me. I started to become afraid that if I eat to much I might throw up. This feeling started to build it self up eventually it became something that we call anxiety. Whenever I had a meal I would feel the pressure of my parents forcing me to finish my plate, but I just couldn't bring myself to it. I started getting anxiety whenever I had the feeling that people would force me to keep eating until I was throwing up, teachers, my parents, my uncle and aunt etc. But the fact was that they weren't really forcing me anymore it's just that it was so badly incraved in my mind that I would still feel the pressure of it. It would start like this, my aunt, cousin and my were at this amusement park my aunt had packed some bread for us as lunch and it was eventually lunch time. She would give me the bread eventhough i said i wasnt hungry, thats where the anxiety attack starts i take 1 bite and everything just becomes to much, I feel my heart beat raise, I hear it beat against my chest loudly. I feel chills through my body, I feel cold and hot at the same time. My hands are shaky and sweaty. Everything feels kind of like a blur, breathing feels a little more difficult and than this nauseau comes up, it's terrible because the reason I get these anxiety attacks were because I was afraid that I might throw up. Anyways whenever I feel that the anxiety becomes to much I ask to go to the toilet and calm myself down or I will have to endure it for the rest of the hour. The thing with my anxiety attacks was that they werent very visual for other people it's wasn't like those anxiety attacks in the movies where people would collapse on the ground crying barely barely being able to breath, ofcourse these anxiety attacks are real and do happen to people. It's just that there is certainly a difference between visual and not so visual anxiety attacks. Anyways what this was how my anxiety attacks would happen, it could be at dinner with my family, at restaurants, school lunch etc. Whenever I was at a restaurant for example I never wanted to onder anything since it would be a waste of money because I would only be able to only take like 5 bites of it. As you might quess through my Childhood I didnt eat as much as the other children so yeah I was a little underweight not so much that it was dangerous thank god, but it could've been life threatening if i didnt get through all of this thanks to me I give all credit to this Child i was for getting through all of this by myself. Growing up when i had been experiencing anxiety attacks for a little while I thought everyone had those anxiety attacks, I guess thats just how children think. Eventually I figured out that no one really struggled with what i struggled with. They would react like "huh what are you talking about haha, I dont know what you mean" or just simply "no...??" I stopped asking questions and called what is called anxiety attacks "the weird karlijn thing" I called it this for years whenever I felt that an anxiety was coming I would think "oh no the weird karlijn thing is coming again" as it might've already occured to you you that, I got these anxiety attacks very frequent like every day.. for a few years. Because it happend a lot i eventually figured this breathing tegnique out on my own to help my calm down and kind of stop this anxiety attack. For all of these years I tried to avoid everything that would include eating, I have never really had an healthy relationship with food even till this day. I would freak If I had to stay over at a friends house to eat dinner there, or when I had to go on a cool vacation with my cousin i just couldnt bring my self to it to actually go, i kept telling my parents that I didnt want to go, but they just didnt listen, so the morning where I had to leave to go with my cousin on vacation I didnt come out of bed and when I was forced to get out of bed I was crying and crying and even screaming that I wouldnt leave, eventually i could stay home. I still wonder to this day how didnt they notice anything because this really was one of the most obvioust signs, but I guess they where to busy with my older brothers. I sometimes wonder if I am a glass Child, since my oldest brother has autisme, he always had this personal coach and had therapy etc, my second oldest brother was born with leggs that have a little bit of a disability so he had to go for like surgeries and checkup to the hospital a lot and he also had therapy for some things. I never ever got help in anyway that they did. they were both harder to raise too because they didnt listen as good As I did. Im just so so so mad that they didnt EVER notice anything about my anxiety. I also missed definetly a lot of experiencens because of my anxiety and trying to avoid everything that would trigger my anxiety attacks, the last 2 years of my Childhood my anxiety was a lot less but I still missed a lot because of in these two years covid began. Till the age of 14 I didnt know what was going on with me, the not knowing part feels like a hole in your stomach its really frustrating esspecially if you think that your the only one in the world that has this its just.. like really lonely. I have been feeling really lonely for more than a decade because no one knows and understands its just a lot for 1 person to carry all of that its just so much weigh on my shoulders and im ready to release that weigh and share my story. April 2022 I was 14 and had been researching about my "weird karlijn thing" for hours eventually I start reading about anxiety and -panick attacks and when I read that entire article about anxiety attacks, it just clicked.. I finally knew what I was struggling with for the past decade. It was the biggest relieve i've ever felt in my life. I felt almost excited like who can blame me I thought something was wrong with me for a decade but it seems that I wasnt the only one on the world experiencing anxiety attacks. I was hopefull. I told my friends in just a few words about my anxiety attack experience some of them said sorry in the group chat and immediatly started talking abt smth else and never mentioned again they probably thought I made that all up for attention. Eventhough it was the first time i ever told someone and also the last.. So here I am 21st of january 2024 finally sharing my experience with anxiety. This took me a lot of courage to share and thank you if some of you read this i really appreciatie it. I just want someone to talk to and comfort me thats like all i ever wanted so please like reach out because I think I need it. Anyone that is reading this now and has a familiair experience please you can talk to me because I would do anything in the world to help people like me or like anyone in general. I think I want to dedicate my career that has something to do with anxiety awareness for children. Here i am writing this while tears are pouring over my face

Thank you

- a person that shared there story for the first time.