My friends who have anxiety and how i'm feeling.

I've sat here for half an hour debating to myself whether i should do this. I should also say that i've been brought up wiht the idea that men should 'man up' which is why it's taking me so long because this is not only about my friends mental health but it is also about my own.

Anyway, little back story, my sister was raped and so obviously i am already blaming myself a lot because i always got told to protect my sister and i didnt. I feel like ive let my family down and most importantly, her. I have two friends who have anxiety. Lets call one 'Hannah' and the other 'Lucy'. I think i like love Hannah but it's complicated. Hannah has really bad social anxiety, ocd and gad and Lucy has anxiety and bad depression. I'll start with Lucy, she always says how im the only boy she can trust, and as you can imagine that's a lot of pressure for me. she messages me a lot for advice with boys or even to tell me she self harmed herself :/ (she has a school councillor fyi) She always asks me to keep it a secret but what does she expect me to do? I tell school but ask them to find out in a way which doesn't include me but thats like impossible. She is always like 'ugh i hate whoever told'. So then I start to feel bad and like i shouldn't of told but the nthat's stupid because I care about her and want her to feel better. I feel like if she found out it was me, then she'd stop trusting me leaving her to keep it bottled up which obviously is a bad thing. I feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I hate it but i have to do it for her. I don't want her to suffer. I blame myself whenever she self harms because i feel like i haven't helped her enough to prevent that from happening.

Now onto Hannah, i've been friends with her for a few years now and i really care about her. Her anxiety is super bad. I sit with her in most lessons by the door in case she's nervous. I get really anxious when i see she's getting nervous. I can tell by her checking her pulse a lot and her shaking etc. I try and say stuff to take her mind off of the nervousness but it never works and she ends up leaving and most likely having a panic attack. I sit in my chair thinking about how horrible i am and what i did wrong and what i could do in the future to make that not happen. I think i get very overwhelmed when she has a panic attack because obviously i care about her a lot and its not nice to see her struggle. Whenever i am in a lesson with her i am always on edge in case another student talks to her, she doesn't like that because of her social anxiety. I might be being super stupid but i always think about different situations that could happen in my head and then think about how to prevent them from happening if that makes sense. Hannah has a therapist who helps her a lot which is good.

This is about my thoughts and feelings about Hannah. I'm just so exhausted mentally and i dont know what to do. Helping her is great when i get it right but i've disregarded my mental health and prioritised theirs. I feel like ive invested so much of me in her that if she gets anxious i'll feel guilty or like annoyed at myself because i couldn't do anything. I have looked at soooooo many websites about anxiety and depression and noted things i should know down. But sometimes i find out that i shouldn't be doing or saying something that i have been doing for ages and that makes me feel awful. Like i could've said something that she might go home thinking about 24/7 and that's obviously not what i wanted but that's what happened and once again i'd feel awful. Also the websites contradict each other so i dont really know what to do or where to go anymore. Like some says i need to help her but then some say i need to let her do that on her own and then some even says it's impossible for me to help her! im so lost!! I always used to think i coulds help her but in reality i cant and that really hurts because she doesn't deserve that at all and i just want to be a good friend. Dont get me wron, i love trying to help and i will never and would never stop because i care too much. It's just this is the first time im talking to anyone about this since i met her and it's starting to get to me. Every single night im up looking on my phone looking at things that would help me understand how she feels and how i can try and help when shes feeling panicky but i nevre do it because im bloody useless! Whenever we're in a lesson im nervous because literally sooo much could go wrong. If i could i would switch lives with her if i could, she means that much to me. I also want to say that out friendship is not mental health based, like we're friends because we get along well rather than so i can just attempt to help her if that makes sense. I haven't slept well in like 4 months. But thats not because of them i dont think.

I'm sorry that this is so long, i just had to get it off my chest because it really started getting to me. I just don't know where to go or what to do or anything. I feel anxious a lot, worried over nothing, im a overthinker, I doubt myself a lot, I care about what others say about me wayyy too much but i cant help it. ive started hearing things super loudly in my head to the point where i cover my ears and cant hear anyone who tries talking to me. I dont know whats happening to me! Please help.