My personal story about GAD, Depression & Panic Attacks

Hello all,

I am a 34 year old male who has been dealing with anxiety, depression and panic attacks since I was 25 years old. I believe that I brought on most of my mental health problems by abusing Adderall and Vyvanse for about 7 years. When I first tried these drugs I felt like I was on top of the world and I could achieve anything, but that turned out to be the farthest thing from the truth. Over the course of time, I would slowly destroy most of my social circle and become more and more isolated from people and choose to engage in drug use and other hedonistic activities. Eventually, I would take so much of these drugs that I would lock myself in my room most of the day and pray that I hadn't overdosed and once I came down enough I would engage in hours of hedonistic activities on the internet. This would become my daily vicious cycle until one day I finally pushed it too far and I had my first panic attack while in the throes of my drug addiction. I can remember standing in my bedroom with my hand over my chest, leaning against my bed as my heart pounded and I hyperventilated from the amphetamine high when all of a sudden I felt a horrible, sharp pain radiate throughout my entire chest and I immediately thought, 'this is it, I'm finally going to die!'. In a state of sheer terror, my mind went into full on fight-or-flight mode and I proceeded to evacuate the sanctuary of my room and run to grab my keys off the desk in the kitchen and make for a hasty retreat, certain that my life was going to end very shortly. I can remember begging and pleading with God, praying for him not to take me away yet and being unable to sit still from all the adrenaline coursing through my veins. From there, I somehow managed to drive over to the park by my house and continue to lose my head as I fought with every ounce of my being to keep myself from lifting off the ground and departing reality. Never in my life had I experienced such a frightening view of the world and the people in it, I had gone from someone who enjoyed life to a complete recluse who feared every waking moment of the day. From that point, my life evolved into a full-blown nightmare, but somehow I managed to complete my Bachelor's of Science in Chemistry and proceed to get a job and somehow keep it even with my anxiety.

So, after the panic attack I started to experience severe, usually unrelenting physical sensations through out the day and constant racing thoughts and ruminations over the same worries. I don't think I'm the king of anxiety symptoms because I've seen people that can even kick my butt, but here is a list of all the symptoms I would experience on a daily basis: chest tightness/pain, hyperventilation, burning sensation in my tongue, difficulty concentrating, physically tense, hypervigilant, easily spooked, dizziness/off-balance, feeling like passing out, frequent need to go to the bathroom, physical exhaustion, sweating, tingling in extremeties, thoughts of dying/not waking up before going to bed racing thoughts and panic attacks. I started to experience these symptoms around the age of 25 and since I really had no idea what was going on at this point, I assumed that I must have some horrible disease and everyday was going to be my last day on earth. I have no idea how, but every day I managed to go and do things with my life in spite of how incredibly horrible I would feel and I'm amazed that I was able to do so when I look back on this period of my life. Unfortunately, I would eventually hit a point of mental and physical collapse and I decided to seek medical intervention via a psychiatrist. I managed to find a good medication on my second try and it really made a drastic difference in the quality of my life over the course of eight years (it wasn't perfect, but I would say it dropped my anxiety down from a 9/10 to a 3/10). I would still have some relapse moments on my medication, but I felt that I was better able to deal with it than I was before because the symptoms weren't nearly as severe as they once were. Alas, all good things must come to an end and I eventually hit a relapse, but now I started to experience depression along with the anxiety and panic attacks.

At this point I managed to ride out the anxiety and depression for a couple of months before I finally decided that I needed to go and seek intervention. So, I went onto disability and checked myself into an outpatient program in order to try and get things back under control. I can honestly say that I haven't really seen much improvement in myself since I've left treatment and the meds they switched me to are not really helping and I would say that they actually have made me feel worse so I'm looking to see what else I can try at this moment in time, but it's hard to get a hold of my psychiatrist and come up with a plan to hopefully improve my situation.

Okay, that was a lot of stuff to get off my chest, but I'm glad that I did. Anyways, right now I'm feeling very lost and alone in the world and I'm still struggling with anxiety, depression and thoughts of suicide, but it seems to be getting better as I cut down on my meds which make me feel totally dead as a person. Right now, I feel like I have wasted my life because of my struggle with anxiety and depression, but I'd like to think that eventually I can still get some enjoyment out of life because I'm really getting fed up with living in a state of fear and apprehension over absolutely nothing. It just seems like the medications work for only so long and then you're eventually back to where you started at just as confused if not more so than when you started. I think I need to really work on taking charge of my life instead of just living this broken record life of the same job and the same everything for the past ten years, I think breaking out of that rut might be what ends up helping to set me free. OK bye.