New to the Community: How do you get over stressful experiences AND unexplained triggers?

Hi everyone, I'm Cass and I'm pretty new to 7Cups. Ive been struggling recently getting over some intensely stressful experiences and some weird triggers that i cant explain that somehow weave into this whole thing. There is alcohol, blood, and illness in this story for those who may be affected.

Background: I started college this year and ive always been terrified of breaking rules, to the point where i am irrationally so. I am the only person in my friend group who doesnt drink (im 19 and legal age is 21) and i get pretty nervous and defensive about it to the point of it being detrimental to my social well being because i cant stop bringing it up. I dont know why. I have never had a bad experience with alcohol and it was never abused in my home, and rarely kept there.

So seven months ago, i started dating a great guy. He's older, over 21, and we clicked really well. But a month into the relationship he got extremely sick. He has Crohn's, some of the worst his specialist had ever seen, and this flare was really bad. It started after he went to a New Years Party with a friend. He dropped out of school next semester, went into the hospital for a month, was put on NPO diet and dropped to 90 pounds. When i went to visit him (which would have been our 5th date), he passed out in the bathroom and there was blood everywhere. I was rushed out of the room and he was taken to get a CT scan, and i remember that very vert vividly. I slept on a hospital couch that night because i was so scared he would die if i left. He was released eventually and was fed with a feeding tube to prep for surgery. During this time i was in school and it felt like no one cared that this was going on. I would worry at night all the time about him and whether he would die, and if he didnt if he wouldnt love me after he improved. My class attendance dropped and i stopped talking to my friends and spent most days and nights obsessively worrying and crying. After the semester ended, his colon was removed and everything went wonderful.

Recently though i have still been terrified because now he is able to drink. He has never pressured me to drink, but for whatever reason alcohol is extremely sensitive to me. He asked me recently when we were out to eat why i dont drink and i just started sobbing in the middle of the restaurant and didn't stop the whole time i was there. I dont know why it happened and i didnt know how to answer the question and the whole thing was very embarrassing. The only things going through my head were that "he wouldnt love me if i didnt drink", "now that he's better he'll find someone more fun", and that "hes stronger than me and older and went through so much and deserves better". I know rationally all these thoughts are absurd, but they would not go away.

I feel like im caught between being terrified he will get sick again and being terrified that if hes not sick i wont be good enough, and all of this is triggered by discussions of alcohol, which is completely unrelated. Im curious as to everyone's responses and im looking for advice, what do you do to stop obsessive thinking about past stressful experiences and have you ever had a trigger that isnt at all related to an experience, and if so how do you deal with it?

Thanks for reading this far and getting to know my story. You're so loved 💕