Not doing good.

These days I’ve been feeling much more anxious, and things that used to help me before dont. At this point, all I can do is sit and wait and hope that the anxiety goes away, which is a terrible feeling, as there is practically nothing do can help me distract myself.

Sometimes though, I’ll chat with a friend and feel better for a while, before the looming feeling of unease and despair comes back, and I can’t chat with a friend again to take it away. Sometimes, even chatting with a friend doesn’t help. I try to help myself but I’ve been struggling with this for years and this year it’s gotten worse. At this point I feel like nothing can help me and I don’t even try and help myself because what’s the point? I’ve tried so many times and I’ve just fallen back into that rut again and again and again, and I’ve run out of the energy to keep on trying. I don’t even feel like I’m living anymore, just existing, save for those rare moments where I have a good laugh and feel alive.

my self-esteem is terrible, to the point where I’ll decide I’ll try and practice some self-love before catching a glimpse of myself and suddenly feeling disgusted and annoyed. I feel like I don’t deserve love, not from myself or others, since I feel like I’m not good at anything at all. I’ve always struggled with self-esteem since I was young. It feels strange to not berate myself as in a sort of weird way I like to do it.

Other than that, I feel disconnected from reality, either reminiscing about the past or worrying about the future. I can’t appreciate beauty in nature as I just… don’t feel like I’m in the moment. I really wish I could go back to the way I was before, where I could enjoy things I liked and didn’t worry as much as I did now.

Not much rlly carries that enjoyment it did before now, especially since I feel anxious most of the time now. I stay up till like 4-5 am and sleep till 12pm. I’ve always hated waking up late but here I am doing it daily because night is the only time where I feel like I can just be lazy and nothing is expected of me.

I overanalyse every little thing and am constantly scared of doing something in case something bad happens. For example, a voice in my head told me “don’t wear that shirt or something bad will happen” and I listened and I don’t wear it. It’s so stupid because it’s just a t-shirt with Hatsune Miku on it. Yet I don’t wear it because what if this random intrusive thought is right? I realise this sounds so stupid but it’s a rlly big issue for me.

this turned out way longer than I expected and I don’t expect anyone to read it haha. It’s just a little rant because I’ve been feeling much worse the past while. just wanted to get my feelings out.