Real Event OCD- childhood
Is anyone struggling with replaying a past mistake over and over and convincing yourself that you are a terrible person?
This memory came to me seemingly out of nowhere and yet since it appeared it has totally turned my world upside down. I was only a child and yet I feel horrendous guilt and shame-the memory come under the bracket of sexual experimentation. I know that the people around me would say Im a good person but now I feel like a fraud.
I feel that theres an inner argument whereby I am trying to tell myself that I was only a child/we all make mistakes/it wasnt that bad and yet the other part tells me that if my friends or family knew they would be disgusted/ I dont deserve to be happy/ I dont deserve to live anymore. Its exhausting and I feel that if it cant be sorted I simply wont be able to continue living.
Hi @lavenderField6236 life isnt fair sometimes but whatever experienced we have in the past is a learning experience, especially when you are a child we say things we dont mean, we do things we dont realized is not good for others or we engaged ourselves into something we thought would be good for us. But as we grow older we thought about it as something we could put behind us and move for a brighter future. We should think of our happy thoughts, friends with positive outlooks in life. You are worth it. We should embrace our goodness...
@AnnaBanana06 thank you so much for your kind response.
The level of guilt varies from day to day but on particularly bad days I convince myself that I shouldnt eat etc as I literally feel that I dont deserve to live. Ive spoken to a relative about it and she gave similar advice and assured me that I was a good person and that I cant continue to punish myself over a silly moment of childhood curiosity from over 15 years ago.
Yet it seems that all these reassurances arent enough for my brain.
I see new stories of people committing horrible crimes (murder/rape/animal abuse) and immediately feel as though I belong in the same category as them. A part of me even questions if it is a form of OCD or if I simply deserve to feel the way I feel.
@lavenderField6236 hey, lavender! I just wanna say re: wondering if this is OCD, is that I have OCD and struggle with similar thoughts! There's a subtype of OCD called Harm OCD, which involves obsessing about whether or not you will or do harm to other people. I definitely have it, and if that sounds useful to you to explore, it might be. I'm sorry you were struggling though and you definitely are a good person and have learned a lot! You certainly are not the same as the people you are afraid of being.
We have the same struggles. I have searched online numerous forums that has people who did the same thing and I'm both glad and more anxious that I'm not the only one who has done this. I have talked to people here on 7cups about this guilt and shame and they have been really helpful. I also am trying to accept that what I did was a childhood mistake and that I was curious and naive. I hope we can forgive ourselves and pursue life with joy and kindness. You are not a bad person :))
