Relationship Anxiety
Hey there :) So I was wondering if anyone out there is struggling with relationship anxiety and maybe wants to talk about how to cope with it?
I'd also be really grateful if anybody who feels the same as me could maybe give me some advice on my current situation. :) Sorry for the long text in advance.
Basically I haven't been in a relationship for about two years now. (22 f) I have already suffered from anxiety in my previous relationship and it was a catastrophe. I was completely in love with this guy and lost my independence whilst being in this relationship. I was constantly afraid of being abandoned and would feel depressed if my boyfriend wasn't around, I stopped meeting up with friends and didn't pursue any hobbies, constantly needed reassurance. It was like I couldn't exist on my own anymore.
I have always struggled to let new people into my life,so even then I was scared of being emotionally and physically involved with anyone. My boyfriend at that time always pretended to be super understanding and I fell for it. In reality he used my anxiety to pressure me into things that I didn't want to do. "I won't leave you, but you have to sleep with my so that I won't get any ideas of looking for anything elsewhere" etc. Of course I didn't realise what was going on. Turns out he was sleeping with another girl at the same time,he even told me that we never agreed to be exclusive etc. later on. It really messed with me and I can't seem to trust guys anymore.
Now two years later I started hanging out with a guy, when we started meeting up it was only my intention to be friends. However, I have started to really like him,he knows this and feels the same. As much as I like him, I don't think I can be in a relationship with anyone.
The thought of it makes me want to jump of a cliff. I am a) scared to once more have my happiness depend on a guy and b) I am terrified of being hurt again. I am so fragile anyway, I can't cope with another break up and all the stress that comes with a relationship. Plus I don't want him to deal with the crazy person that I become once I am attached to someone. He deserves better than that.
I have told him that I don't want to get attached to anyone at the moment,especially because I am currently abroad and will be returning to my home country eventually. He said he understands and would rather have me as a friend than losing me, but I haven't told him about my mental illness so I don't think he fully understands. He is treating me as if he is my boyfriend (always asks if I want to come round,tells me I am beautiful etc.) I already feel like this is suffocating me, I really don't want to get attached, but I also don't want to hurt him. I can't explain how I feel properly, I am close to a panic attack everytime we are getting close. I seriously think that being in a relationship would make me more anxious than happy, especially since I already now that it won't last since I will moving soon.
Apart from that the thought of having to sleep with someone anytime soon (my ex always criticised me, told me I wasn't good enough in bed etc) makes me want to cry.
How do I make him understand?? Nobody ever believes the "not ready for a relationship" excuse. But it's true in my case. Help :(
@convivialRaspberries5945
There is definitely a lot going on for you right now. If he is interested in remaining friends even when you return to your home country, that is a good thing. What are your thought about keeping the friendship? How much does he know about your previous relationship experience?
I agree it probably is not a good idea to get into another relationship until you have worked through the "emotional fall out" form the recent one. Also, manage the anxiety symptoms as you do not want to "loose yourself" in another relationship.
What, if anything, has been helpful in term of anxiety management? Have you engaged in or thought about counseling?
@ShawnWilsonLCSW
Hey, thank you so much for your reply :)
So far he doesn't know anything about my background as I do not like to talk about it to people that I haven't known long enough to judge properly. So far I have only tried to explain that I do not want to get involved with anyone at the moment as I will be returning home in the near future and I can't focus on a relationship if I already know that there is no chance of it becoming permanent. He said he would rather have me as a friend than loose me so I thought he understood. Vut he is texting me constantly and asks for things like cuddles. I am really good at managing my anxiety in day to day situations, I am almost "normal". But the minute I have to deal with romantic emotions or even worse any physical stuff I just feel like crying. His constant texting is making me feel like I am suffocation.
I only ever wanted him as a friend, I thought he was in need of one which is very much true. Because I was the one to ask him to hang out I have now created this idea in my head that I am to blame for this and that I am obligated to take things further.
I am more than happy being friends but I need to know that he won't expect more and that he won't clame that I have been leading him on or anything like that.
I just feel like I have done something really horribly wrong.
Thank you so much for listening to me, I really appreciate it. X
@convivialRaspberries5945
First of all, I am tremendously sorry about the experience you had with your ex. There are people who are good and those who are bad. And then there are people, the worst of them all, who pretends to be good, but they end up doing more more bad when they get your trust. I can not begin to imagine the pressure and depression that you had to go through to have your trust and self-esteem just taken and stomped on by someone who really never deserved you.
Unfortunately, love is a powerful emotion that might blind you from seeing things in people that should be seen before entering a serious relationship. This in retrospect, ends up hurting people psychologically and some even physically.
Fortunately, however, you losing your trust isn't necessarily a bad thing. It just means you will wait a longer time, evaluating a person before giving them your valued trust. Hopefully, in the future, you can have extended and deep evaluations of someone and their intentions before entering a relationship because of your experiences in the past.
About your breakup, please consult the breakups guide to help you better understand your feelings and how to cope with them: https://www.7cups.com/breakup-advice/
Here at 7 cups, we are always available to listen to your problems and help you figure what would be best for you. Please do not hesitate to message me. I will reply to you as soon as possible. Please note there are plenty of trained listeners available to help as you are reading this. Here is a link to browse those listeners:https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/
Best wises,
Prio.