Relationship issue in lockdown

Hi @Annalouise2395. I'll admit that I have never lived with a partner before so my opinion may be based on a very niave perspective. Maybe you or someone else who has lived through a similar situation will disagree with my point of view and that's fair.

Regardless of how this opinion is recieved, I wanted to say that I think your concerns are valid. If placed in the same position I would have big reservations about a potentional future with this person. And based on the little you've shared about him, it sounds like he doesn't see one with you either. It honestly sounds like he's using you and your family when he doesn't have someone else but he has no intention of staying for the long term.

Whether this is a place he is making into his home or if he just sees himself as a guest in someone else's, he should be respectful and pull his weight. Being a long term guest should make him more inclined to help out your family to show his gratitude not use that as an excuse to get out of contributing. You have every right to take this personally; he is acting completely disrespectful in the face of you and your family's support.

I understand your desire to move out on your own. I'm 24 and I still live with my family as well. But don't let your excitement for an exit plan overshadow the fact that he does not seem to be a good person to live with. You deserve to live with a partner that respects you, is respectful to your family, and splits the workload with you. Don't settle for him because he's the one that's here now. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who is looking forward to spending their life with you, someone who tells you this constantly.

He might be making you feel insecure and less worthy than you truly are but remember that you hold the power here. This is YOUR house that you allowed him to move into. Therefore you can kick him to the curb at any moment you like. You don't need to sacrifice your mental health or your self esteem on this toxic person because of isolation. He brought this onto himself.

@Annalouise2395

Even though it feels bad, this is actually a good thing. You're seeing what it would be like live together now, before you make any commitment of getting your own place and making further commitments. (Meaning, it would hurt a lot more if you two had just gotten your own place in the future and then you found out.) What you see now is not going to change if the two of you had your own place. This is how he is. Could he change? Of course, but if he's not willing to do anything now while he's a guest in your parents' house, it would be a long time before he changed enough to be a partner in your own place, sharing in all the responsibilities.

It sounds like he's just not mature enough for the situation. Make your own plans to move out on your own when it's time, but don't include him in living arrangement. It could be several years before he's ready to share in that. And honestly, it's a great feeling to live on your own for the first time!

@Annalouise2395

Hi,

My name is Sophie and started living with my boyfriend about eight months ago. Mostly it has been really nice to have him around, but he also does not pull his weight very well. It came to a boiling point and we got in a big fight a while back. From this fight I learned that he had never had to do chores growing up (unlike me) and as a result he felt awkward and unpracticed. When I scolded him for mixing colors and whites he was upset because no one had actually ever taught him these things. Then when I tried to teach him, I did it too fast and tried to give him years of advice in just a few moments. This upset him and made him feel insecure/incompetent.

The takeaway from this interaction for me was that learning to do chores is something that take a lot of time and patience. In my case, my parents did all that work when I was young, but his parents didn't. That being said, I didn't want to be his parent either. After having this conversation, we agreed to set realistic goals for creating habits. It takes 21 days to build a habit, so we decided that it would be exclusively his chore to clean off the coffee table once a day for 21 days. I would not nag him about it but he resolved to do it. As part of the compromise, he asked me to (politely) nag him when I needed help with other things. By taking this approach, it is like I am training him to become a household manager. You can't expect someone to manage when they don't even know how to do the menial labor so it's important to build on a solid foundation. Since then, he's been so helpful and his attitude towards chores has completely changed. He still doesn't fold laundry or load the dishwasher the way I would, but I write that off as a difference of opinion and do not bother him about it.

All that being said, if your partner does not have the will to change, he will not change. Having and open and honest conversation without judgement is the first step. If he still chooses to disrespect your home without trying to improve (whether or not he thinks of it as his own home) then you may need to consider whether he is a good match for you. Make sure you are asking yourself the same questions you ask of him e.g. You've already asked "Does he like living with me?" but you haven't asked "Do I like living with him?"

I really hope this is helpful and that you are able to come to an agreement!