Some of my dark past (might be triggering to some)
I am going to tell you my story shortly, maybe something similar happened to you. My father has abused of me fisically and psychologically used to hit me since I was a teenager, and threaten me several times, he continues to abuse me till this age when I am 39. Such was the abuse he made on me that I ended up being somehow autistic.
So gaming was one of my main escapes to the happy land of fantasy where everything seams perfect and the mind can wonder there for years or decades .
I have been in therapy since I was 5 years old, almost never stopped being in therapy, oh... plus I was abused sexually in primary school by another kid.
something probably not many people know about it.
maybe there are even more deep scars of abuse by my father and mother that I dont remember.
the thing is I don`t remember being alive prior to the age of 10... only some flashes of me being in a school... but I think I have lots of repressed memories.
I do remember of always being afraid of death... of dying some day... to the point that I will freak out and start breathing heavily...
a few years ago, like 3-4 due to isolation, and watching too much videos of conspiracy theory and gaming all the time, I totally lost it... i become insane... paranoiac ... thought that aliens were invading earth... i cut myself... did other stuff that put my life in danger several times. like stuffing cotton in my throat... and coughing blood, stuffing caughton in my ears, hitting my eyes, ears, going in the highway with a bycicle against the traffic, so i ended up in a mad house... which saved me from ended up dead....
@okeyyyy
Yes, this triggered something with me. I made the okay symbol with my hands, which is a hypnotic response to return to being calm, happy, easy and tall. Anyway, yes brother, I have had similar experiences. My stepfather abused me in several ways growing up, and my mother condoned it because God said the man of the house was the lawmaker. It's ugly. I wasn't young enough to have a soft skull to be beat in. My Mom remarried when I was 8. I remember very many things before 10 years of age, but like you, I know there are repressed memories there. My nightmares from childhood also reflect some of those things. What can we do? Like you, I've been in therapy on and off for most of my life. It's basically to have someone to talk to who is open and objective. I think most CBT, DBT is just hog wash.
We have no choice. Yes, the past was bad, but we have no choice but to move forward and try to build. My stepfather didn't have a chance to touch me after I was asked to leave as soon as I finished high school. In fact, he lost the ability to abuse me when I get strong enough in my teenage years to defend myself. Sadly, my sister was not as fortunate.
Anyway, at 46, it's in the past and somewhere in our minds, but it can't be in the future.
@Darkseed
Yeah, seams like we do have a lot in common, wow, you took a lot of your time to answer lots of my entries, thanks. I will take my time to answer some probably yesterday, I get kinda burned out if i read and reply to many of them :)
sorry if this answer is brief, i am kinda tired now, did not sleep much yesterday only 2-3 hours