Sorry this is so rambly, I just needed to get it off my chest.

There arent words for what Im feeling right now. I am four days out from my exam and I am positive I am going to fail. I mean sure theres a small chance Ill pass if the stars align and I get the perfect set of questions and make good guesses. Lets go with I wont because I wouldnt be in this position if I had that kind of luck.

This is my last chance and I have no way to actually discuss this with my mother. The last time I failed, my mother went quiet for the rest of the night and then two days later she had an emotional melt down that left both of us in tears and me feeling like a fucking failure.

The problem is I dont know where to go from here. I cant take the test again. I mean technically I could- but it would rely heavily on the fact my internship supervisors would remember me and feel comfortable signing off on my skills- which they wont because its their name on the line and I cant blame them for not wanting to stick their necks out for me, somene they probably don't even remember.

So, that means, I have to get a job. Which is a huge fucking source of anxiety but whatever thats irrelevant at this point. So, okay, I work for a bit at wherever theyll hire me but then what? Just work at Costco or Trader Joes or wherever for the rest of my life? I should go back to school but here in lies the issues now: what do I go back to school for?

Some backstory: started college as a nursing major- realized that with my anxiety there was no way I could do it, so I changed my major to go to grad school for occupational therapy- where I got kicked out of my program because I got a C+ in one class and a B- in another (in separate semesters). The program directors were like well let you back in but we dont think you can cut and grad school is fucking expensive so I withdrew from school. I tried to take some time to figure out what I wanted to do- but my mother was putting too much pressure on me so I picked ultrasound, and now Ive fucking failed at that too.

So its like…what do I do now? One of my friends suggested I do what I want and offered up something really interesting: to go to England (where Ive wanted to go ever since I was little and I may as well go big or go home) and study what I want there. Writing- though the course would be English Literature and Creative Writing that the department head said would help set me up in Publishing (like I figured I could do) until I finish a novel (if I finish a novel). College there is only three years- and they dont ask you to pay your loans back until youre making a living. Im already a FUCKTON amount of money in debt and I really shouldnt add more but its like impossible to make a comfortable living off of a minimum wage job.

The biggest problem in everything is: I get no support.

I get it. Im picking a very competitive and unstable field. No one wants to see me living in a box. Whenever I explain how the only reason why Im trying to go into ultrasound is my mom, everyone tells me I need to do what I want-

BUT THEN I TELL THEM WHAT I WANT TO DO AND THEY GO…NAH PICK SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU CANT FUCKING TELL ME TO DO WHAT I WANT, TO DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY, AND THEN TELL ME NOT TO DO IT JUST BECAUSE OF WHAT IT IS.

Its like I did the sane, safe thing and now like three years later, Im still unemployed and in even more debt than after I left grad school.

I dont want to work a just whatever interim job for the rest of my life but going back to school for a degree for another whatever (but more high paying) job doesnt make sense for my own mental well being because I see how much working jobs just to pay the bills is making everyone miserable but what I want to go back to school for isnt a "realistic" option either-

And I just feel so stuck and anxious and depressed and its like I feel so incredibly trapped with no soultion in sight its hard the breathe.