Will I ever feel just normal?

 first in for most I hope to find everybody in this fun and good health and spirit. I’ve been battling anxiety and severe depression for the last 25 years. I’ve been in and out of psychologist and psychiatrist how many men unable to find the one that can just help me get me through my path. I feel that I always get overmedicated and that’s their only way. I’ve also had countless visits to the psychologist as many of you have. I was able to control my symptoms with medication for quite a while although I had times were I had Manias and I was out of control. I fell in love with the sport of bodybuilding and I started at 18 which really helped with my depression, I was so devoted to the sport that despite my career I made time to train him diet as a professional bodybuilder even though I was not. I look like one but did not compete. The exercise allowed me to purge any issues I was going through by just concentrating on the exercise. 2012 I was going through some marital issues and I moved out I was not taking my meds on a regular basis given that I felt normal and I never missed a single day from work. It was a mistake on my part.  I met somebody at a business networking event, She ended up inviting me to her house which I obliged. I met somebody who hi truly connected given that I had to this point never met anybody who had so much in common with my views that I was in all. I had no intent of divorcing my wife I was just trying to purge the demons in my mind. And then she popped up. I asked for a divorce and lived with her for close to two years. During those two years my family set me to the curb, they refused to even meet her. I know it sounds like I’m coming across as an asshole because I was married at the time but I was upfront and I informed my wife that I had met somebody. Expecting my wife to quickly kick me to the curb she ended up looking for the girl and beating her up like children two girls with NBA’s fighting over a jerk who doesn’t deserve to be with either one. Needless to say I had a nervous break down and ended up in the ward for a month. Thank God my business partner was able to run the office. Hi shortly there after started the work out again well I figured out what I wanted the deal I parted ways with the girlfriend given that my children gave me an ultimatum that if I decided to stay I would never see them again. You can choose anybody over your children, despite being madly in love. I returned home. I hated to not answer her calls which only aggravated my symptoms. I was getting sloppy at work and at the gym which ended up in a injury which I had to undergo two major surgeries. I had to learn how to walk again. The physician made it clear that I would never be returning to my old habits and my travel would be restricted given that my leg was unable to bend completely due to a massive quad tear. Hi did my home PT aside from the medical that I received at the hospital. I realize that I make strides if I did this on my own given that I had a grand prognosis. I would never be able to run again. That threw me to a deep depression. I lost over 50 pounds I stopped eating I started smoking and abusing my pain meds with no care if anything happened to me. I subsequently had other misfortunes due to my anxiety and pain medication overuse. I didn’t feel the need to take and I just wanted to numb my mind. I eventually realize that that wasn’t the answer so I got off the opiates and scale down my Xanax to my proper prescription. Problem is I haven’t been able to shake off this anxiety and depression. I wake up crying every day. I have no reason to worry the way I do I managed to keep my firm despite going through this ordeal for five years due to my partners efforts had I not had this privilege I would’ve been living with my dad. I have an appointment coming up and I’m hoping to get my meds adjusted but can’t shake off feeling shitty about being an adulterer which really takes a toll on my daily life. I’ve suffered from deep anxiety and depression since I was a kid. I feel like I don’t want to work anymore I’m looking for a blonde to escape. Buy a house in Costa Rica or Mexico and leave. This is what I always do, instead of dealing with my issues I run away. I feel so broken yet so blessed to have the ability to seek care but I can’t seem to push myself to do anything on my own. My ex girlfriend was always on top of that since she also I was going through issues I just happen to have a formal diagnosis and I’m also bipolar. Physically I look OK but I feel like shit. Just needed to vent I haven’t been able to purge this. I’m tired of crying every day and having no hope for the future. Looking forward to dying that’s not the proper way to live.