Will it ever be okay again? (A Feelings Post)
I wonder if this is how it's always going to feel for me. I wonder if I would ever change my feelings about working or if I am forever doomed to feel this way. I think about what it was back then, how it felt before. All I can remember is this relentless sinking feeling of depression, this heavy and painful weight in my chest that never seems to go away even after a workday. As if I'm floating through my days, and all these merciless feelings follow and linger and haunt wherever I go.
I think about everything I've missed out on and what I could've done while I was under the mercy of all these, and I feel this sharp regret. I remember sleeping entirely through my day-offs and weekends, waking up and feeling this daunting pressure of time moving. I remember feeling so scared, so paralyzed by fear to do anything other than cowering permanently in the bed, feeling the full force of this range of crushing emotions punching me in the stomach all at the same time. It felt like everything was closing in, and I couldn't breathe.
I wanted so much to breathe. To self-heal — meditate and pray. Find comfort in things that I once loved to do. But I was so tired. The kind that sleep could no longer resolve. I was so tired, but I couldn't sleep. It was torture to have that time of night and still not be able to rest. To wake up from a sleepless night and still feel the same thing the next day. If anything, more dread.
I wanted to cry. And cry. And pour my heart out to anyone kind enough to understand. But I was so ashamed. So ashamed and disgusted with myself. Every fiber of my being was cringing at these feelings, these thoughts, these weaknesses. I feel like I've written all of these before. And it's still the same thing. Nothing changed.
I'm still stuck on an ever-tightening loop. Everybody moved on, and I'm still here — teetering between the past and present. And I'm scared that this would all be my future if I ever go back. Tomorrow I'll be a year and five months unemployed — and this is how I feel.
Or worse, what if there's nothing to return to anymore? No one will accept me, and I will forever be stuck with these feelings.
@fictionjunkie It sounds like you worked in a stressful environment that caused you anxiety and depression and interfered with your sleep and daily activities. You're scared this might happen again if you go back to work, but you feel stuck with where you are. You also feel ashamed of your weaknesses. These resources on 7 Cups might be helpful to you, if you haven't already seen them. https://www.7cups.com/depression-help-online/
https://www.7cups.com/work-related-stress/
You're not worse than other people because you have weaknesses. Making mistakes and having flaws is part of being human. It's something anyone can relate to because we all have them.
It might be that you're stressed by working in general, or it could have been just that particular job, or type of job, or the people you were working with. Just because that job caused a lot of harm to your mental and physical health does not mean that all jobs would necessarily have that effect.
I hope this helps. If you want to talk more about what you're going through, feel free to message me at any time. I hope you find peace with who you are regardless of how long you are unemployed.
