anxiety/depression/thoughts about my wife
I'm not sure if this is the right place for all of this. I'm diagnosed with depression, but some of this seems like anxiety/ocd type stuff as well.
So before we were married, my wife told me that she had a friend and an ex-boyfriend who co-incidentally had the same name. After we were married, I learned that this was not the case.
Before we were married she said she was saving herself and if she got beyond 2nd base, she had to call it quits and go home. I was ok with that; I wanted/want to be married to her and waiting wasn't a big deal.
As you can guess, she confessed after we were married that she had not treated her ex the same way. In fact they did things that we still haven't done(she says we did once, but I can't remember).
Now all I can think about is the two of them together. She says she has told me about things, but sometimes the story changes slightly.
What's weird is that I don't necessarily think of them being physical, more being intimate, holding hands, cuddling, etc. I don't think I'm angry, I don't think I'm jealous, but when I get these thoughts it is like someone has kicked me in the stomach. She's apologized over and over and cried to the point where I had to comfort her, but the thoughts won't stop coming back. There are so many things I want to ask her, but I don't feel I can because it would hurt her too much. Which makes it worse, knowing I can't ask about certain things.
It had always been in the back of my mind off and on, but it's gotten worse over the last year. I had a big episode this summer that I think was a 3-day panic attack; I've never felt anything like it before or since. And there's the stress of a new job I don't like.
I've left some of this pretty vague because I didn't want to trigger anyone or be explicit in a public forum. If someone wants to talk off line, that is fine with me. Live chat doesn't work so well because I need time to think about my answers and thoughts.
Bob
Oh yeah, and there may be a few body issues as well since I'm a fat man and he was a young rugby player. He looked remarkably like a very young Jack Black from the X-Files "P.D.O." episode: https://i.huffpost.com/gen/1337428/thumbs/o-JACK-BLACK-THE-X-FILES-570.jpg?5https://i.huffpost.com/gen/1337428/thumbs/o-JACK-BLACK-THE-X-FILES-570.jpg?5
I'm sorry you're struggling with these thoughts... it would be so nice if you could just focus on the fact that her ex is in her past, and you are the one married to her now.
My wife had a longtime boyfriend until a few years before we met, and I know she fully expected to marry him. She never wanted to talk about him, or anything they did, with me. I did know just a little about their sex life - not explicit details - and I am certain they "did more" sexually in their time together, than my wife and I did leading to our wedding night.
But I've had the good fortune not to have pushed for details, because I recognized that none of them matter. All they could really mean was that she had a life before she met me, which I knew, and she'd moved on from that to a life with me. What more can one really ask? Your life occurs in your present, not her past - which neither of you can change, even if you wanted to.
Intellectually, I know all of these things. But that doesn't always help.
Part of the problem is just my mental problems. It is like if you have anxiety attacks about germs and disease and you step on a red spot on the sidewalk. Intellectually you know that won't give you aids, because even if it were blood, and even if it were infected blood, and even if it were fresh enough, and even if you had an open sore on the sole of your foot, there's no way it could come up through an inch of shoe and sock. But the anxiety still makes you think you caught a disease from stepping on some dried red liquid on the sidewalk.
So my anxiety causes me to think about them.
The other thing is that when we started dating, I kind of assumed she had the normal college and high school experiences. Then she told me she did not and that she didn't want to have them, not even getting past first base, until after we were married. So all the while we dated, I built up this picture of her. Then after we were married, she changed the picture. Slowly, a little bit every year or so. I am naturally curious--ok snoopy--so I want to know what other things she hasn't told me. Each time there is a confession, she says she has told me everything. Then some time passes and there'll be something else.
It's just a number of things coming together. My anxiety/uncontrollable thoughts/depression, my need to know, her lies(I really hate using that word because I don't think of her as a liar), the difference in the way she treated us, the little non-physical things we missed out on that she had with him, my changing picture of her, my triggers by being around the dorms and apartments where she used to live, etc.
A perfect storm of my mental illnesses, her mental illnesses, her immaturity, and her actions.
My doctor is getting together some resources for me, so I'll see what happens. At least we are both under treatment. I would not want to do couples treatment because I could not be honest and brutal in front of her. She would have a break down.
@alfrodull OK, so I can see there's a lot there to deal with... why has she done this? What is the truth? There are so many scenarios one can imagine, from horrible manipulative ones to more sympathetic ones (perhaps she portrayed herself as she wished she could have been, and is being more candid both with herself and you over time?). Obviously I know even less than you would, but I can definitely see how this would really bother you.
I'm not sure being "honest and brutal" is really an essential element of couples therapy. If those managing her treatment have no objections you might consider looking into it. I'm sure honesty is involved, but honesty need not be brutal.
I understand why she did it. It was her first relationship and she was/is a very shy introvert who is not good with people. As am I. They fought. A lot. About some pretty hard to overcome political differences and about medical anxieties about sex. From her perspective, if it never happened, then she didn't fail at relationships and she wasn't a bad person. Normally this is the stuff people go through in high school; maybe not the actual sex, but the inner conflict about sexual performance, finding out you simply aren't compatible, etc. But for her it was in the middle of college with her first ever boyfriend, her first ever sexual partner, and her first ever long term relationship(3-4 years).
I'm not saying that changing her story was the right thing to do, but I understand why she did. And she did obviously love her very much or she wouldn't have gone to sleep with him. Not just slept with him meaning sex, but they went to each other's apartments/dorms and spent the night.
There have been some story changes about what happened, but memories fade and no one remembers something perfectly.
@alfrodull
I hope your understanding of this helps you feel less threatened by the whole situation. It sounds like, wrong or right, what she did was done for fundamentally innocent reasons, whether or not that proved hurtful to you. Perhaps you can find a way to accept the pain, realize such struggles are part of our common lot as humans, give yourself the care you need and perhaps then work on freeing yourself through genuine forgiveness. It's not easy but ultimately the past must become the past, if you are to thrive in the present!
