anxiety is worse than ever

Hi. Sorry this post is so long. Here're the basics: I'm a 21 year old female and just moved out from my mom's house. I have severe generalized anxiety, have had panic attacks since I was a preteen, and I am autistic and half-blind. I have a lot of issues with things that most people find very simple and this has prevented me from holding any kind of "real" job for most of my life so I'm as poor as a church mouse right now. I have only ever had one job as a bookkeeper/data entry person and really only got it because it was for a neighbour's company.

I liked the work because it was very quiet (I never talked to anyone except my boss and to customers through emails) and I liked the repetition and simplicity of it but at the beginning of this year (about a year after I started working), he told me that he didn't need my help anymore, which I suppose was fine because his office is very far from where I live now.

Anyway, for the past few months, I have been battling the most extreme anxiety as I job hunted. I live with my boyfriend now. He is my bestie and our relationship is amazing but he doesn't understand my issues and always thinks I'm overreactive and/or just too lazy to get a real job. Those comments and assumptions from others really hurt me because I actually love having work to do and having a schedule and making my own money, but it is nearly impossible to make anyone without anxiety understand how this feels. I got so fed up with my friends and family cracking jokes about me being too broke to afford food or healthcare or even fun frivolous things once in a while, calling me useless/dumb/ect., that I just applied for a job at a fast food chain restaurant despite my anxiety, issues with socialization, and lack of sight making things difficult. Not many people were "proud" of me really because I'm just doing something that everyone's done at some point, but I felt like maybe this was my chance to prove I could be somewhat normal and also be able to afford to live comfortably for once.

I got the job pretty easily, probably because I said nothing about my challenges during the interview, and was expected to go in today, but my anxiety hit an all time high I ended up having a breakdown and crying and hyperventilating before I even went in the building. I just kept thinking about having to interact with customers, remember orders, count money quickly, find my way around a new building when I have very little sight, and fight against my auditory processing issues over that darned headset and it just became too much. I just went home.

I was so scared of being annoying, being called dramatic or stupid by everyone I know. Everything in me told me to just leave it alone and find a better job offer but I really need money and seeing my bf so peeved at me killed me, so I called the restaurant back and told them that I was terribly sorry I hadn't shown up, as there was a family emergency, and then asked if I could possibly come in tomorrow at the same time. The manager was pretty nice about it (annoyed for good reason) and agreed to let me come in again. I feel incredibly embarrassed and now I'm praying that my brain will let me make it through a shift tomorrow.

I feel so ridiculous for being so stressed about a job that 16 year olds do with no trouble. I can't even rest easy now because I'm too busy thinking about it and so concerned I'm going to mess up again. I feel like fast food is truly my only chance at being employed, as I'm not smart and could never go to school for anything and finding entry level jobs in quiet offices is almost impossible in my city. My resume is barren for someone my age.

Any advice on how to stay calm tomorrow? How can I fight this debilitating anxiety and just do a good job instead of letting it consume me? I don't know what to do and haven't felt chill in weeks and it's starting to affect my physical health. If I have one more person tell me to try yoga :)) or deep breathing :)) I'm going to scream! I'm starting to feel immune to any treatment at all.

Sorry for the long rant and possible spelling errors but thanks so much if you read this far.